Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not have feelings? Feelings are truly what make us human. If we did not know sadness, joy and happiness and success would not feel as gratifying. But its those times when you feel like getting hit by a semi truck might feel better when I really wonder how nice it would be to not have feelings.

In general, I think I am overly emotional about most things and definitely way too analytical. For a while I thought I could never be happy with anyone because there was always something in the background telling me it wouldn't work, or maybe there is something better out there. I felt like I chronically screwed everyone else over because I would back out of relationships or wake up one day and realize I wasn't happy and needed to get out of the relationship. But lately, since I grew up a little bit, I realized that I need to try. Somehow when I made this decision I have chronically gotten the short end of everything. I don't mean to blame it on the other person, but somehow, I let myself trust people that hurt me in the end. I let myself believe that things were leading to a good place but they always left me heartbroken. Whether one day someone just decided to stop talking to me when a couple weeks before they said they never thought they could feel that way about someone or someone decides to take me out and make me feel special but then stop talking to me. Or theres that time when I fell hard and then it didn't work out because it was the wrong time in his life--that took quite some time to get over. And now, theres the time when I took my walls down and then someone completely rips the floor out from under my feet and I find out they've been talking to other girls and kissed another girl at the bar. Granted we "said" we were not committed and could talk to other people--but what you say and how you act is a bit different. Guys, please don't make a girl feel like she is your plan A, B and C if she is only your plan A and you have B, C, and god knows how many other girls lined up too. Guys should come with a freaking warning label, because sometimes they act like they want to be there for you and tell you they would never hurt you...and then they act confused when you get mad they've been talking to someone else all day every day.

When you said you couldn't hang out with me...was it because you wanted to hang out with other girls or was it because you didn't want to go that long without texting them?

When you told me we didn't have to do this and could just be friends...it wasn't because you were concerned about my feelings was it? It was to make yourself feel less guilty...to CYA for when I found out there were other girls

When you told me I was special and you liked me more than other girls and you didn't hook up with them...I guess you thought that texting someone to meet you at the bar and then kissing them was treating them like they were nothing special

I guess you can do anything you want when you're drunk...because thats a great excuse. Its weird because you told me you were honest when you were drunk...so if thats what you wanted when you are drunk...then by all means don't waste your time with me when you are sober if thats not what you want.

Don't tell me I am special, Don't tell me I am pretty, Don't tell me you like me or really like me or really really like me. Don't tell me you get sad when we don't talk for a little while. Don't tell me you'll never break my heart. Don't tell me you want to take me out and pay for me. Don't tell me you get jealous of other guys. Don't tell me you care. I would rather you didn't

Welcome to NC, we're certainly not in Connecticut anymore toto

Today was a great day, and somehow, even though yesterday's ride was three times longer, today was a much longer day. We did so much today and most importantly, finally got to North Carolina!!

We all cheered as we pulled into Camp Royall, our home away from home, for the next week. I think many of us were pleasantly surprised by how nice the camp is. There are soccer fields, frisbee golf, a pond with boats, two dining halls, a playground and more. We will be sharing camp with two other colleges working with habitat, Providence and University of New Hampshire. We got the opportunity to speak with some of the students from UNH and they were very friendly and I think many of us hope to spend some time meeting people from the other schools during our down time.

Another great thing we got to experience today was an orientation with David from Chatham Habitat when we first arrived. David was able to tell us about the area, the campsite, and the Chatham habitat. Some of the most valuable information he gave us included who we build and work for and also out value in habitat volunteer work. David told us that although habitat is commonly misconceived as a volunteer program which gives away houses to families for free, the families who receive the house must meet three main requirements: 1) they must be in need of a home 2) they must volunteer sweat equity or volunteer a required amount of hours through habitat and 3) the ability to pay for a non-interest mortgage. The other thing I really took away from his speech was that the collegiate challenge, the program through habitat which brings college students to work with habitat, has made one of te biggest impacts on the success of the chatham habitat. David really made us feel welcome in our new home and made us feel like what we are doing is something which really helps the habitat program.

Another couple highlights of the day include going to a fantastic BBQ resteraunt where we tried hush puppies and assorted fried foods, exploring mount chapel and the UNC campus, and shipping for groceries as a group. These activities were all a lot of fun and allowed us to bond with each other, an the grocery trip really challenged us all to become organized and work together.

Something really exciting tonight was the team's excitement for the reflection. In the discussion today, there was a lot of focus on getting know each other better and also getting to know the background that each of us came from. It was meaningful to discuss our pasts and then to discuss how the recipients of these houses are not just reviving simply shelter, but a home in which to have similar experiences and memories to those we have. I think that this point, that we are not building just shelter but memories, brought up by the reflection leaders Yessenia, Michelle, and Nicole, was a very inspiring and powerful image for the group. I enjoyed the discussions in reflection tonight a lot and I hope to have more of these. Meaningful discussions In our other reflections as well.

Finally, I think that the most valuable thing which happened to me today, even better than the hush puppies and fried okra, was a discussion I had in the grocery store checkout line with someone from the area. Imagine being at a relatively small grocery store on a Monday night and then you see twenty college students with at least seven carts full of food pull up to the register. I think that what you are imagining in your head right now, is exactly what the lady in front of me was thinking...what on earth is going on, and she was pretty clear in expressing that. I explained to her that we were a group of college students from Quinnipiac University in CT who came down to volunteer for Spring break with Habitat for Humanity. Her reaction was something I don't think I can ever quite explain exactly, as she put her hand on my shoulder, she said to me "why you guys are doing here is incredible! People give young people a bad reputation but we were all young once and there are a lot of you who are doing some really great and impressive things. I really want you to tell your group that what you are doing is incredible and has a huge impact on our community." I don't think anything on this trip will be close to as satisfying as hearing this woman thank us just for coming. We didn't build her a house, we hadn't worked with us, she had only just met me, but I think what she said had more impact on me than most things anyone has ever told me. Just coming down to help meant so much to her because we came down to help her community. To know that what we are doing makes such a difference, is not something that always ces with service, but hearing it from this total stranger will be something I will never forget.

Alternative Spring Break Trip to North Carolina for Habitat for Humanity

Yesterday we left Quinnipiac bright and early at 7am. There are 20 of us headed to North Calorlina in two white 15 passenger vans. The drive yesterday was around nine hours including stops which was surprisingly quicker than expected. We watched license plates, asked icebreaker questions from the packet in our "van survival guide kit," listened to the cds we all made for the trip and of course most of us did quite a bit of napping along the way. We traveled through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington DC, Maryland and Virginia. You definitely can't beat the gradually warmer weather each time we stopped.

We stayed at the best western in Richmond, well that was after we found out we had rooms there.... I'll explain: on the trip we have groups which lead a group reflection each night so we can all try and get to know each other better, discuss our experiences, and participate in planned activities and discussions led by other trip members. So, for yesterday's activities the group decided to have our group leaders tell us that the hotel was booked for the wrong night and that there was no where in the area for us to stay. We all tried to discuss ideas of what to do and as a group weconcluded we would get dinner and then continue south and call other hotels along the way until we found one we could stay at. Later they told us it was all just a jake and it was an activity to see how we would react to a change in plans and how we would come together as a group to solve the problem. So then we did some activities which included revealing some of our group member's fears about the trip and allowing us to see that we all share many of these fears.and that marked the end of the day and many of us got to bed pretty early after the long day. There is something about being in a van for 9 hours that is very tiring.

The beginning of our day started at 6, well for me because I got up and showered and we met up and packed the van at 7 (actually Brian and Tom did most of the van packing) and then went to the continental breakfast at the hotel. This was no ordinary continental breakfast and it definitely surpassed my expectations as they had a waffle maker which was exceptionally delicious when I was expecting cereal. And we also got a nice taste of the south with biscuits and gravy for breakfast, well some of us did, I stuck to my waffle :) and then with that we now start our day with a three hour trip to Pittsburo, North Carolina.

High: I think the most exciting part of this trip ao far has been going on the road with all the games, bonding, and music because I have meet gone I a huge road trip with a group of people my age before and it is really exciting!!! I am looking forward to everyone getting a lot closer because I think that we are already all starting to get to know each other and I am sure it's only going to get better from there--I guess thy is what a nine hour can ride will do for a group of people.

Low: trying to figure out where we could go for dinner with 20 people after a long day of travel.

Invisibility

I talk and no one listens.  Did you know I had an interview today? Did you know that I had a test this morning? Did you know I met with 4 professors on the Sustainability committee today? Did you know that I hosted a film screening tonight? There were 16 people there, including 4 from our club and 2 professors. At the end of the film, there was 7 people, 2 were from the faculty and four from our club. None of those people were you, yet I go to support you in what you do. Did you know that my parents were out of the country this week? Did you know I was extremely worried about them yesterday when I was traveling? Did you know I got an interview for Habitat for Humanity? Did you know that I still have two more exams this week? Did you know that I am not going home Friday when you all go home? Do you care?

Sometimes everyone messes up, but isn't that all in life's lessons? Do we not become a better person with each mistake that we recover from? Do we not build ourselves up stronger and better every time we fall? I do, every-time I make a mistake, I grow and become better as a result.

Today I had a job interview, I thought they would ask me some of the typical interview questions; what are your strengths, weaknesses....etc. And you know what, I couldn't think of a true weakness. I believe my weaknesses are my strengths, when I mess up, I become better because of those experiences. I would not be strong had I not once needed strength. I would not be smart had I once not needed to know the answer. I would not have friends had I not once learned what its like to be lonely. I would not sleep if I never once felt tired. I would not dream had I ever not been restricted. I would not be the person I am today had I not ever needed to acquire the skills and habits that I have without first making mistakes and needing those skills. Our human race would not do the things it does now or believe in the things which it does, had it not faced difficulty and found need. So we all make mistakes, we are not perfect.

"Good Judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement"

"Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it"

"If I could go back in time and change all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it made me who I am today"

"It isn't the problem along the way that makes us or breaks us. It is how we learn to stand and face them that makes the difference."

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret."

"Its better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life."

Don't put a period where God put a comma. 


Don't give up on something, end something, or lose faith just because things seem to be taking a lapse. Have faith, prevail, and push through because there is always something more. You can always forgive, you can always move on, you can always succeed. The only thing you cannot re-do is live. 

Drifting Away

What can I say, I don't know where things could have gone. We definitely were very close but it just wasn't the right time. Now you seem to ignore me most of the days, I am not sure if its because it hurts, because you are trying to keep your distance or because you are trying to protect yourself. It hurts to see the people around you who have replaced me, I feel like our friendship is put in the backseat for some reason or another. My mistakes are always so hard for you to look past or forgive, but I am not invincible, you should know that. We helped each other through some rough times, so its hard to believe that we are living our lives in parallel now. Doing the same things, but with different people, would it not be easier to just be back to normal again. I don't know why we are acting so awkward now, because if I had it my way, we'd be back to normal. Seems like these days, the people I introduced you to mean more than I do, I was just a ramp to get to them. I wish you just made some effort to see me or make plans with me like we used to, because knowing you cared about our friendship is what I would love to see. I don't care who your with or who you hang out with, I only wish that I didn't get left behind. I always get strange looks and avoidance. I miss the "hello," I miss the hug, I miss you asking how my day was and hearing about yours....I liked having a friend who I knew would be there and understand me, I just liked feeling valued. I liked that you laughed at my jokes and that I could cheer you up, and I liked that you could do the same. I guess that is why it hurts so much now when you don't even say hi when you walk by me or when I am around you. Its like I am invisible, and going from friendship to invisible makes me feel like I am not good enough for your effort. But why?

Silence can be so loud

So I am back at school and its taken some adjustment, but I finally feel at home. Everything seemed to fall back in place. New friendships and old, mutual civil relationships, and just some mutual ignorances, however, all was well. I begin to feel like QU was a family again.

The problem comes when everyone decides to get involved in everything
the problem comes when people can't tackle things head on
the problem comes when people put themselves in situations they shouldn't (this does not exclude me)
the problem comes when people almost give in to temptations
the problem comes when people make mountains out of molehills
the problem comes when people start to infer
the problem comes when people are misinterpreted
the problem comes when life becomes a giant game of telephone
the problem comes when people talk to people who are not involved in the problems
the problem comes when people drink
the problem comes when people talk
the problem comes when you let your life be an open book and there are people out there who want to tear it up
the problem comes when you are not paying attention to the eggs and you set off the fire alarm
the problem comes when everyone hears it indirectly
the problem comes when people lie
the problem comes when people take sides
the problem comes when everything happens at once
the problem comes when people don't play nice
the problem comes with jealousy
the problem comes with life
the problems come with your life
the problems come with my life
....WHY?

The more you think about it...the more you will be influenced by it...

There are things in life you naturally let go, or I naturally let go, because I know that life is a give and take, and sometimes you have to understand you are not the number one priority or that life happens and shit happens. Sometimes I get very caught up though, on what should bother me, which makes me realize that it means these things do bother me somewhat---or maybe I just like to make myself miserable and like to attack the things which bother or could bother me. 

Exhibit A: 

I go for a weekend with my boyfriend. He promises me some special alone time yet I understand the majority of the time will be spent as a group. Life happens and we don't have the alone time I thought we would. I have really strong feelings and I am so happy to be there but I just keep getting let down, not just because I do not get alone time, but mostly because I feel like he forgot that he told me we would have that time. Not because I needed it but because the fact that he promised me that time made me feel special, and that it was ignored, made the special reverse itself. 

 

I think maybe the fact of the matter is that what is important to me is not the things that people do or do not do for me, but if someone says they will do something for me and they do not, even if I want to let it go and be chill about it, I am not able to because I am disappointed--and as much as I want to say "this is stupid Amelia," I cannot shake it, because the more I think about it, the more downhill my mood goes--or rather, there is a decrease in excitement. 

I wish I didn't get disappointed like this, but the fact of the matter is, your word is your word, if you are not true to it, its going to eat at me. If you make me feel special by saying you will do something for me, follow through. Its not that I really need you to do that specific thing, but its the fact that I feel neglected if you fail to do it or to at least show concern for it.