Invisibility

I talk and no one listens.  Did you know I had an interview today? Did you know that I had a test this morning? Did you know I met with 4 professors on the Sustainability committee today? Did you know that I hosted a film screening tonight? There were 16 people there, including 4 from our club and 2 professors. At the end of the film, there was 7 people, 2 were from the faculty and four from our club. None of those people were you, yet I go to support you in what you do. Did you know that my parents were out of the country this week? Did you know I was extremely worried about them yesterday when I was traveling? Did you know I got an interview for Habitat for Humanity? Did you know that I still have two more exams this week? Did you know that I am not going home Friday when you all go home? Do you care?

Sometimes everyone messes up, but isn't that all in life's lessons? Do we not become a better person with each mistake that we recover from? Do we not build ourselves up stronger and better every time we fall? I do, every-time I make a mistake, I grow and become better as a result.

Today I had a job interview, I thought they would ask me some of the typical interview questions; what are your strengths, weaknesses....etc. And you know what, I couldn't think of a true weakness. I believe my weaknesses are my strengths, when I mess up, I become better because of those experiences. I would not be strong had I not once needed strength. I would not be smart had I once not needed to know the answer. I would not have friends had I not once learned what its like to be lonely. I would not sleep if I never once felt tired. I would not dream had I ever not been restricted. I would not be the person I am today had I not ever needed to acquire the skills and habits that I have without first making mistakes and needing those skills. Our human race would not do the things it does now or believe in the things which it does, had it not faced difficulty and found need. So we all make mistakes, we are not perfect.

"Good Judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement"

"Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it"

"If I could go back in time and change all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it made me who I am today"

"It isn't the problem along the way that makes us or breaks us. It is how we learn to stand and face them that makes the difference."

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret."

"Its better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life."

Don't put a period where God put a comma. 


Don't give up on something, end something, or lose faith just because things seem to be taking a lapse. Have faith, prevail, and push through because there is always something more. You can always forgive, you can always move on, you can always succeed. The only thing you cannot re-do is live. 

Drifting Away

What can I say, I don't know where things could have gone. We definitely were very close but it just wasn't the right time. Now you seem to ignore me most of the days, I am not sure if its because it hurts, because you are trying to keep your distance or because you are trying to protect yourself. It hurts to see the people around you who have replaced me, I feel like our friendship is put in the backseat for some reason or another. My mistakes are always so hard for you to look past or forgive, but I am not invincible, you should know that. We helped each other through some rough times, so its hard to believe that we are living our lives in parallel now. Doing the same things, but with different people, would it not be easier to just be back to normal again. I don't know why we are acting so awkward now, because if I had it my way, we'd be back to normal. Seems like these days, the people I introduced you to mean more than I do, I was just a ramp to get to them. I wish you just made some effort to see me or make plans with me like we used to, because knowing you cared about our friendship is what I would love to see. I don't care who your with or who you hang out with, I only wish that I didn't get left behind. I always get strange looks and avoidance. I miss the "hello," I miss the hug, I miss you asking how my day was and hearing about yours....I liked having a friend who I knew would be there and understand me, I just liked feeling valued. I liked that you laughed at my jokes and that I could cheer you up, and I liked that you could do the same. I guess that is why it hurts so much now when you don't even say hi when you walk by me or when I am around you. Its like I am invisible, and going from friendship to invisible makes me feel like I am not good enough for your effort. But why?

Silence can be so loud

So I am back at school and its taken some adjustment, but I finally feel at home. Everything seemed to fall back in place. New friendships and old, mutual civil relationships, and just some mutual ignorances, however, all was well. I begin to feel like QU was a family again.

The problem comes when everyone decides to get involved in everything
the problem comes when people can't tackle things head on
the problem comes when people put themselves in situations they shouldn't (this does not exclude me)
the problem comes when people almost give in to temptations
the problem comes when people make mountains out of molehills
the problem comes when people start to infer
the problem comes when people are misinterpreted
the problem comes when life becomes a giant game of telephone
the problem comes when people talk to people who are not involved in the problems
the problem comes when people drink
the problem comes when people talk
the problem comes when you let your life be an open book and there are people out there who want to tear it up
the problem comes when you are not paying attention to the eggs and you set off the fire alarm
the problem comes when everyone hears it indirectly
the problem comes when people lie
the problem comes when people take sides
the problem comes when everything happens at once
the problem comes when people don't play nice
the problem comes with jealousy
the problem comes with life
the problems come with your life
the problems come with my life
....WHY?

The more you think about it...the more you will be influenced by it...

There are things in life you naturally let go, or I naturally let go, because I know that life is a give and take, and sometimes you have to understand you are not the number one priority or that life happens and shit happens. Sometimes I get very caught up though, on what should bother me, which makes me realize that it means these things do bother me somewhat---or maybe I just like to make myself miserable and like to attack the things which bother or could bother me. 

Exhibit A: 

I go for a weekend with my boyfriend. He promises me some special alone time yet I understand the majority of the time will be spent as a group. Life happens and we don't have the alone time I thought we would. I have really strong feelings and I am so happy to be there but I just keep getting let down, not just because I do not get alone time, but mostly because I feel like he forgot that he told me we would have that time. Not because I needed it but because the fact that he promised me that time made me feel special, and that it was ignored, made the special reverse itself. 

 

I think maybe the fact of the matter is that what is important to me is not the things that people do or do not do for me, but if someone says they will do something for me and they do not, even if I want to let it go and be chill about it, I am not able to because I am disappointed--and as much as I want to say "this is stupid Amelia," I cannot shake it, because the more I think about it, the more downhill my mood goes--or rather, there is a decrease in excitement. 

I wish I didn't get disappointed like this, but the fact of the matter is, your word is your word, if you are not true to it, its going to eat at me. If you make me feel special by saying you will do something for me, follow through. Its not that I really need you to do that specific thing, but its the fact that I feel neglected if you fail to do it or to at least show concern for it. 

Please Don't Make Me Feel Like its My Fault

Please don't come in, please dont sit down, no no please don't take off your shoes, please don't get comfortable, please don't stay--I am afraid you won't leave.

Its not that I don't love you, Its not that I don't appreciate you--its just I've grown. Its just that I do not want to be babied, I don't want to be touched, I don't need to sit in your lap right now. I know it seems like I only need you when I am upset but people grow older and they don't need as much help. When I need you I know you are there to help, but don't get mad if I don't need help.

When you help too much and control too much then I start to fear it. I start  to look for ways to block it. The attention--I just don't want it anymore. I shouldn't need to be a baby to show you I appreciate you or I love you.

Thing is....I shouldn't have to walk around on my tippy-toes trying to avoid upsetting you or jump around trying to prevent something which will upset you. I just need a little bit of space. Hopefully you will forget tomorrow that you were walking around tonight. Hopefully tomorrow you will forget you kept getting out of bed and you had been home for at least 30 minutes and were still in your dress after going to bed. Hopefully you forget tomorrow the door slamming and scaring the living daylights out of me. Hopefully tomorrow you will forget wandering into the hallway and coming into my room (after I had been secretly praying you wouldnt because I was just ready to be in my space and relax not because I do not love you because I wasn't in the mood and everyone is entitled to that) and being upset because I was confused as to why you were still up and because I was not in the mood to figure out what the proper response to your statements was. "Your toes look nice" "thanks" what else is there to say? It is 11pm and I am exhausted and you are acting different. Hopefully you forget, or maybe you forgot already, or maybe you won't...I dont know...and  Im not sure I care because I am not sure it matters.

I just don't want you to get upset for little things that you shouldn't. I just want you to stop taking it personally when I am just living my life, you have another life too and I am entitled to my own as well.

What do you do when....

...you are ready to walk, when you know that what you've got is the best there will ever be for you...when the impossible becomes your reality.

I played around with the idea of being single for a long time after my last breakup. This, this just happened, how, I have no clue, alright maybe a small idea of how. I wanted to be strong, independent and carefree but somehow I love this. I love being his, I love being in his arms, on his arm, holding his hand, on his lap, on his back, in his lap, and in his life.

Its a scary thing when you have someone's heart in your hands because you know the more you open up to him, the more he opens up to you, and the more it will hurt if something happens. But if you're both happy, then its perfect, I am happy.

Is it weird I never really dreamed of my wedding, as a kid I mean; everyone thinks that every little girl is dreaming of that day forever and ever, but I don't think I have ever done it more than now. A beautiful dress, my family, his family, and a beautiful future....I know I can't rush things but its wonderful to dream-- it is a wonderful dream.

I am scared
I am happy
I am in love

Winning Essay for Undergraduate Community Service Contest: Self Growth and Empowerment Gained Through My Community Service

Self Empowerment and Self Growth Gained Through My Community Service

Amelia Houghton

Quinnipiac University

           Many people think that community service is about offering your help to people less fortunate than you; I believe this view is ignorant. Community Service is not about helping others; it’s about investing in others and investing in the greater benefit of our entire community. I participate in community service believing that the people around me are worth no less than I am and that I am no better than they are. In fact, perhaps the people I help are better off than me, because they are continuing to build up their lives every day. My future remains unknown, as my life could fall to shambles and be without a home or food. Their commitment to make the best of their situation and desire to make their lives better is incredible. Community Service is about assisting others and allowing yourself to open up to them. It requires a unbiased attitude and the rewards include self-growth, self-knowledge, and emotional satisfaction. Community Service is not about helping others; it is about empowering, investing in, and learning about yourself and others.

                Before Quinnipiac University, I was involved in Girl Scouting and also in small community service projects through this work. The community service I have done at Quinnipiac University was a bridge for my own realization of a passion and growth which I possess.  At Quinnipiac University I joined the program, Lives of Commitment, for freshman students. Three girls and I attend volunteer service each week in Wallingford, CT at Master’s Manna, a diaper bank, food pantry, clothing center and soup kitchen. While working at Master’s Manna, I have learned that you are not simply providing the clients with food; you are allowing them to maintain some aspect of dignity. One of my favorite jobs at Master’s Manna is working as an escort, a person who works in the food pantry. When we stock the shelves, we try to make the shelves look very organized and like a real supermarket. At the food bank, we are not just allowing the clients to provide food for their family but we are giving them the sense of actually shopping in a supermarket. The clients receive food no matter how the shelves look, but we are not only giving them food, we are allowing them to maintain pride. The act of the service is not only a short-term food supply to the less fortunate but instead a long-term preservation of self-esteem. In addition to targeting the issues of poverty, food shortages and health issues, at Master’s Manna I am also targeting the maintenance of morale, esteem, and pride in the clients.

                My service has benefitted individuals, an organization, and myself physically and emotionally. Many people believe the purpose of service is to simply help; however true service teaches you about yourself and pushes you to realize more about yourself. Superficially, my community service allows me to help others, to give them food, clothing, and diapers.  When truly analyzed, my service is about being supportive of the clients as well as receiving support from them. An Aboriginal Activist Group from Queensland once said “If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” Service for me has been a give and take process; everyone needs something and everyone has something to learn. If you go to service and put yourself above all the others, you will miss the opportunity to also receive.

 In my service I have met many people, but one woman who I first met in my fourth week of service has touched me in particular. I am unsure of her name, but I do know she is involved with the church and she is attempting to get a degree working with computers. Every week I look forward to seeing her and we have become close friends. Her embrace is like a mother’s embrace, I can feel how much she cares for me and appreciates me, simply because I talk to her about her life and share my life with her. While I was going through a difficult time as my grandmother was passing away, I reached out to her and told her about it. Through this, I gained a relationship and support and she was empowered. Every week she is here for me with a hug and a kiss, with support and a priceless gift. The fifteen minutes I spend with her each week, are special and valuable to me. This is what community service is about, identifying with and bonding with others, coming together and helping each other.

Community service is about empowering others and empowering yourself. For me, my service is empowering, and I enjoy jumping in and helping the minute I get to service. At Master’s Manna, there are purple volunteer t-shirts which are only given to those volunteers which have “earned” their shirt. Before spring break, I opted to stay at Quinnipiac that Friday night so that I could attend service that night. When I walked into service, the other volunteers were all pleasantly surprised because they did not expect my service that night. That night, I worked at the table in the food pantry, portioning out the meat and frozen goods to different families. Even though this job is busy and stressful, I enjoy it. When I see that something is in low supply, I refill it. I never noticed my work ethic or my insight as something extraordinary. At the end of the night, Bob, one of the men in charge came to me with some of the other volunteers and they brought me a purple shirt. They told me that some of the volunteers had come to him and had many good things to say about my reliability and work habits. They were impressed because this is rare in their volunteers who usually come to complete service hours. I never realized I had so much to offer to the organization until then. Community service is not just about helping others, it helps you; I would not have realized how extraordinary my actions could be without my service.

Although service can prevent challenges and roadblocks, the rewards outweigh the challenges when you embrace the service. It is difficult to go into a soup kitchen and food pantry and not feel even a little guilty for all you have been provided for in life. I came from a somewhat wealthy town in Massachusetts and I am attending college. For me, it is somewhat difficult not to wonder how some people get so lucky. Everyone needs help, and even if you cannot change the world in one day, you can make a difference little by little. I am very fond of the tale of the starfish where a boy was walking with his father on a beach and threw starfish which had washed up on the shore back into the ocean one by one. When the boy’s father told him he couldn’t make a difference, the boy picked up one more starfish and said “it will make a difference to that one” (Eisely). I think the meaning of this story, that you can make a difference with every action, is reflected in my service. I cannot give each person a job, a home, and enough food for their lifetime, but I can provide them with hope, support, and motivation. My group did a can drive for the good pantry, although we only donated six hours of our time, we collected over $100 and at least four huge boxes of non-perishables. Although we cannot end the hunger, we can reduce it. The service has taught me that I can make a difference despite differences in lifestyles, communities and cultures. I learned that the smallest effort and time donation and support can mean the world to others and also be beneficial to myself.

Community Service is about empowering, investing in, and learning about yourself and others, not simply about “helping the less fortunate.” My service helps reduce hunger and aid the impoverished by making necessary goods and services accessible to them, but it also provides support, relationships and emotional aid. Although service requires a significant amount of effort, it has allowed me to learn about another realm of living and has allowed me to give and gain support. I have learned about my extraordinary perseverance, communication skills, and work ethic—and that even though I am only one eighteen year old college student, the application of these characteristics can truly make a difference. Through my community service at Quinnipiac University, I have learned that service is a valuable component of my life and that it not only requires you to give but it teaches you how to receive.  I now better understand the saying that it is in giving that you receive.

Cited:

Eisley, Loren. "THE STARFISH STORY." Starrbrite.com. Web. 29 Mar. 2011. <http://www.starrbrite.com/starfish.html>.