Well, here it is, my first blog post. I have been tooling around with the idea of writing a journal, hoping my life would produce some ounce of interest to someone someday, or maybe just so that someone can read it and realize, in a very small distant way, how insane I truly am, or maybe how surprisingly not insane I am. So first and foremost, I would like to welcome you to my blog, you are someone who has shown interest. I understand if you get tired of reading the things I have to say, because honestly I would probably dislike reading so much too, but if you do relate to what I have to say, feel free to let me know, I would like that very much, even if it is my posting something to me anonymously.
Sometimes I feel like we are satellites, people off in our own little worlds, not knowing how to recognize others for the things that we have to say. Its like in the movie Crash, at the beginning, he says:
"Its the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. Were always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."
I think that I am always looking to crash. I want so badly to touch other people, to show them how much they mean to me and to be special to them. I can't slow down, I work too fast for most people. I jump into things headfirst, never thinking. I do not listen to that little part of my mind which says, "you shouldn't be doing this," because there is another part of my mind that says "watch me." I do not think I am capable of stopping myself to think and even if I do, I hate making decisions, so when it comes down to it, I would rather just go in and do what I want because I do not know how to tell myself "no."
I saw a quote online that is comforting to me "Live life with no regrets, because at the time, it was exactly what you needed." This is how my mind works, I try to give people what they need, I do whatever I feel, and it usually comes back around to bite me in the butt, but I just don't know how to place limits on myself. I think I jump to fill voids. When I see that there is someone who needs something that I can provide, I can easily morph to fit that place. I cannot define myself, other than giving myself the definition of a person who morphs. When I see someone with a weak spot, I jump to be the crutch, I jump to try to be that person who can finally be their savior. I want to be the ice pack when you bump your head, the sweatshirt that smells like your boyfriend that you hold when your upset, and the broom you need when your life falls to pieces. The problem is, that these things are never recognized, they do not mean anything to you. I want to be there for you when you need it, but when you don't, you make me feel like i don't belong. I want to be that person who you call when you need anything. I want to be the person who can comfort you when you need something, anything at all. The problem is that you cannot be this for everyone, I try, but some people cannot handle it and other people get upset, because they want you all to them self--and this is my biggest flaw, I want to be there for everyone, but that doesn't seem to work.
I see people who are close all the time and I wish I had that. You know how they ask who you would call if you were in a crashing plane and you only had one second to decide? Well I want to be that person, but aside from a boyfriend or parent, I am fairly sure no one would ever call me. Those things take time, I suppose but people consider me more of a floater, they use me when they need me and eventually fade away. I'm more like a bandage, or even that tissue that you use when you get a cut before you can find a bandage. I think I have the ability to make people like me a lot at first when they need something because I will be very open with my feelings and they like that. I will admit that I am vulnerable and that I am dangerous. They say that when you love someone you show them by committing, but filling the voids, is like a drug for me, I do not think I am ready. I don't think it is committing to someone which is hard, but what is hard is giving up the ability to be there for others in every way possible. I love people. I do not hate anyone.
Sometimes I feel like it is easier to just be a floater, being there for people when they need help, but not omnipresent because that would require me to hurt people. I would have to say no to people and myself, and that is really hard. When I see someone who is struggling, I can relate with a time I was struggling and I know that I wish someone was there for me. I can commit to people 98% and I am there for them 100% but if I say I am 100% I panic because then I feel like I am being misleading because if there is ever a part of me that is not, I have deceived them and I cannot live with that pressure. Someday, I hope I really mean something to someone, not just like as a wife or sister or something, but that I can really help someone.
So it is pretty obvious now why I picked the name transformer, because I like to morph into whatever someone needs at the time. I don't think about what other things I am affecting because right at that moment, it was exactly what I wanted to do and exactly where I felt I was needed.
I have always thought of myself as a good kid. I was pretty typical, I think. I did many things in high school and my life was pretty much regulated by my parents and people around me. I did not really make choices about what I wanted to do, just did what I was supposed to. So if people think I was never there for them, not true, If you needed anything at all, I would have been there or tried my best to get there. I always try my best. I wanted someone who I could just sit around and gossip with or just hang around with but I always felt like a bother. If I did not have anything to say to make you laugh or just contribute to the situation somehow, it killed me. But I do realize that the person you would call falling out of the sky is the person who was there to help you even when you didn't ask for help, but I never know how to choose one person and make them my priority, knowing I am ignoring others at the same time.
I do not like being alone, I like knowing that someone wants to be there. I don't care if you are sitting there on facebook or writing an essay, the fact that you want to be around me is nice. I read something about the power of presence and I thought it was very special to me. Basically, it talked about how even if you have nothing to say or nothing which you can give away, by simply being there, you are giving something. To me it means the world, having someone who will listen or just want to be around me. Presence means everything to me. Being present is hard for me to, because while I love to be present for others, I never know how they are reacting to it. When you make that decision to stop in really quick and give me a hug, it really does make my day.
Certain things mean the world to you and you will never be able to express them to anyone else. Like listening to someone talk to me about September 11th 2010, I will be able to share with them that I was young and in forth grade and tell them that I really had no idea what the twin towers were and was able to simply go on with my life. But I am not sure that anyone really cares. But what I wish I could share with people was how much I have thought about this. How much I wrack my brain thinking about how different my reaction to the experience was from others. Here, I have met many people who lost parents and relatives in the tragedy, and I cannot wrap my head around the fact that they are so strong. I wish I could just tell them that I realise it was a life-changing experience from them and that I would always listen to them, and try to begin to understand, even though I will never know what it feels like. I wish these people knew how much they have touched me and how much respect and admiration I have for them. I wish I could tell them how much I admire them and credit them for the strength that they have had, but I do not know if even that would mean anything to them.
I do not think people understand me, or if they do they do not show it. I do not think anyone will ever truly understand another person, but recognising that is the first step. It is nice to have someone who you have a connection with. I try my best, I work my hardest, and when it seems like I am a crazy psychopath, I hope they will try to understand what I am trying to do, because just trying to understand means the world to me. Aren't we all a little psychopathic, I mean I agree, it would make my life a lot easier if I just was able to weigh things out in my mind and then somehow choose what the apparent "better choice" is but for me, it always seems that every part is important, the 98% and the 2% and that you cannot ignore either of them, but I cant.
I am really just a good kid. I came from a nice town, and I am fairly responsible. I will try to keep people safe as if my life depended on it, but in the process, I feel like everything gets all messed up. Even though we are all on our own, every action effects the people who have decided to tap into you. Every time you reach out you form a bond with that person, you become responsible for how you move and shake that bond. You are walking a fine line, where at any time, an action could just pull that bond apart and then it is all your fault. That is my worst fear, the fear of breaking those bonds, I don't want to hurt other people, but at the same time, the feeling of being constricted is equally difficult. This is why I hate making decisions, because they will always affect others and what others feel and think is important to me. So I guess even though I am a good kid: my intentions are the best and I always try my hardest, I am a dangerous kid, because I don't know how to make one thing more important than another. I only know how to live life doing the things that I feel I need at that time, I do not know how to make the decisions for the long term, because everything is changing.
“Time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively…we must use time creatively, in the knowledge that time is always ripe to do right” Martin Luther King
No comments:
Post a Comment