Weight Of The World

Why does it seem like I hold the weight of the world on my shoulders? I build people up only to tear them down. I dont do it on purpose, I just get scared, I dont trust that I am ready to be everything people want me to be. I love you. I love the world. I just don't know where I fit into it. Sometimes, most of the time, Id rather be hurt than to hurt others. I would rather not understand other people's actions than not to understand myself. But I don't understand myself. I'm a mystery to myself. Even though sometimes I feel happy or confident or important, there always comes a time where I feel defeted and where I feel like I built up everything only to tear it down because I am unstable in myself. When I was walking, I felt every footstep, I felt the weight of my whole body and all the air above me pushing down on everypart of my foot. I was walking on the ice, the stuff you used to walk on as a kid, the crunchy kind that you try to crush and break up, but i just wasnt breaking it.

I have highs and lows, and usually I rest somewhere in the middle. I am pretty lucky that I dont stick in the lows everyday, but sometimes I wish I could just stay in that bubble sometimes. The bubble where everything feels alright. That bubble where I am cuddling next to you so perfectly and my body just fits perfectly next to yours, cuddled up against you, the happiness that I feel then, when there are no temptations where there is nothing else to worry about, just you and me. When we can fall into nice warm sticky kisses and everything is a fairy tale. Everything about you is good, your skin is so soft, your lips are so perfect against mine, your eyes are beautifully smiling-- and that smell, even if you just ran or shoveled the driveway, you smell good. Sometimes I really wish I could just live out on a boat, nothing but the warm sun, the cool ocean, the fish, you, me, and God. I mean I guess there will always be days where the sun burns or the ocean swells, or the sharks come out to feed on the fish; but at least I would be stuck with me. There are too many choices in life, how can you ever be sure that you are going down the right path? What is the right path? What is wrong with me? Why dont people think of me when they think of their best friend? Why isnt there anyone who would call me in a crashing plane? Why do you have to cause hurt? Maybe I should give up on finding people who make me happy? Maybe I should just help people but never get involved.

I came across the text in black by happenstance the other day and found it on xanga titled "I live for the nights i can't remember with the people Ill never forget"

We tend to fall in love the same way we get sick;
without wanting to, without believing it,
against our will & unable to defend ourselves.
And then we lose love exactly the same way.

Sometimes, deep down, we know that its not time to fall in love or that maybe we're not ready to put our whole heart into it, but it just happens. We don't believe it. And then something happens, and you just stop trusting yourself, and as much as you want to put all you have into it, something is holding you back. Its inexplainable, you want so much to be able to just tell your brain to makeup its mind and settle, but you just cant feel okay, its too much pressure. Its fight or flight and you dont want to fight so you run away, you dont want to risk hurting anything that you know you could really be happy with.

Always tell someone how
you feel. Even if it's hard.
Because opportunities are lost in
 the blink of an eye but regret
can last for a lifetime.

 Once I heard that you should never regret anything because at the time, its exactly what you wanted. And it sucks, because how the hell do you know why you want anything or dont want something? I dont want to lose an opportunity but I dont want to live when Im not 100%.

we're not perfect.
we laugh too hard. we are way to loud.
and we make complete fools of ourselves,
but doing it together is what
makes us best friends.

False, You can neve ever laugh to hard, ever. If we could just laugh forever, everything would be alright. Life is about making a complete fool of yourself.

drink to all that we have lost
mistakes that we have made
everything will change
love remains the same

 You cant take life to serious, because its not going to last forever, its fragile and it is not timless. You need to take every step knowing that its going somewhere (but it worries me that I dont know where) and you need to take every drink knowing that there are people places who cannot take that drink. Love will never leave, no matter who you love and what happens, the love will always stick with you. Always. It may be placed aside for a while, but it will always come back if you let it.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.
And maybe we'll never know most of them.
But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,
we can still choose where we go from there.
We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

 It is definitely true that we will never know why we are who we are or why we feel the way we feel, and i may be pessimistic, but even if you can choose where we go, how can we chose how we feel about them. How can we make ourselves feel so okay when the world is so confusing and full of changes and issues.

And when you kissed me that night, I couldn't help but think...
this is exactly what I have waited for my whole life.

Have you ever really cried for someonemore than you wanted to?
Have you ever tried to love him in spite of all the pain?

 You cannot cry for someone too much, everyone is worth every tear you could ever shed, we are all God's children. Everyday, I would rather love through pain than to not love at all.

i'm feeling it coming over me
with you it all comes naturally
i've lost the reflex to resist
and i could get used to this

Love like this it exists, how would I ever know if it lasts? But I know I have been able to find the person who matches like a puzzle piece to mine, I have meet the person who I can feel comfortable in front of, who I dont have to hide anything from.

 it doesn't matter where you go in life
it's who you have beside you.

every time i try to talk to you
i get tongue-tied
turns out everything i say
to you comes out wrong and
never comes out right

When will someone understand when I say things wrong? When will the things I say be right? When will I know what is right and feel what is right?

you're waiting for someone to put you together
you're waiting for someone to push you away
there's always another wound to discover
there's always something more you wish he'd say

 Im living life like seaweed, I want people to like me, I want to make people better, I want to be with someone but I dont know what to do when I get that far. Im always waiting to be pulled in and pushed away and when im not pushed away I dont knowwhat to do.

if you love something, set it free.
if it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with

 Its true, But you cant always set people free without there being hard feelings and that hurts on my part, to try and set things free so things can be better in the future but it hurts to feel alone and to not be able to be that person you want to be so badly, right at that moment.

Goodbyes make you think.
Theymake you realize what you have,
what you've lost,
& what you've taken for granted

 True

·         You're tripping on what's in front of you
because you keep looking behind you.

 Every Step taken forward, can easily be set back. How do you stop looking behind you and around you and only focus on what is in front of you

she  misses the lips that
made her fly.

She misses letting the lips make her fly

i mean maybe i would love to go back to those days,
but then again i wouldn’t. because if it meant having
to lose you all over again, i’m not sure i could handle
that. not again. 

I dont want to risk hurting you again because you mean so much

I dont even know how to address this, I guess it explains so many feelings a person could feel. I try so hard to have an impact, to feel, to be there, to make everything okay for other people, so why do I have such a hard time letting other people be there for me and make everything okay? Im sorry this is a wishy-washy post, but its a wishy-washy time in my life. I dont know who I am, where I am going or what I feel. Im not in control, I wish I could be. I wish I could be in that bubble again, where everything would be A-Okay.

You always make me smile, the things you do matter more than you will ever understand, and no matter what, you mean more to me than you will ever know. Remember that.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

So I have been meaning to reflect upon 2010 and embrace the new year; making some insightful resolutions and conclusions, however this task is quite daunting. So I did some research and found a list of questions to promt reflection upon my year.

"In order to embrace the new we must release the old. A trapeze artist cannot swing from one bar to another without letting go. An important part of preparing for a New Year is to review the past year--to release it--and to learn from it." http://www.positivepath.net/ideasMA17.asp

1. What did I learn? (Skills, knowledge, awareness', etc.)
I believe that I learned a lot from my transition from high school to college. I have learned that in high school  and k-12 a lot of the methods seem very silly now: hall passes, gym class, cell phone rules, no gum, etc; however they were neccessary to keep all of us kids tame enough to teach us important skills, such as learning how to memorize, learning how to study, learning to be responsible and prioritize, learning to make the time to do homework and study--organizing time; which would not have been possible without all these, now silly-seeming rules. I also learned about friends, I think that it was surprising how many people fell out of my life once I got to college and also suprising which ones I chose to keep in it. The friends that I associated socially as my friends, I really dont talk to anymore, but the ones who I saw less often in school but who I confided in and saw outside of school became closer and more valuable to me. I have found very solidly that: Caitlin Marino, Hannah Sullivan, Kristin Carlson, Maddie Collins, Becca Varney.... have become the people back home who I will pick up and call right away when I have something to talk about. However I have also seen people who I have been close with in the past try to reach to me: Bonne, Alyssa, who I maybe need to reach back to a little more. These people have tried to be there for me and I need to be there for them as well.

2. What did I accomplish? (List of my wins and achievements.)
1. Placed in the all around at nationals for gymnastics
2. Graduated from Longmeadow High School
3. Got into every college I applied to including my reach school (Boston University, Springfield College, Sacred Heart University, Quinnipiac University)
4. Completed my first semester in college with all As and Bs

3. What would I have done differently? Why?
If I could go back and time and change some things I would...
1. have analyzed my feelings about relationships more carefully and been less reckless about commitments
2. Have taken my commitments in gymnastics more seriously, tried harder, earlier
3. Put more importance in visiting my grandmother before college

4. What did I complete or release? What still feels incomplete to me?
I ended many chapters of my life.
I completed high school, so the friendships and people relating to it have become a much less significant part of my life.   
I ended a 2.5 year relationship, which means an end to a whole network of relationships and activities.
I completed my final gymnastics meet and dance recital.
I released my grandmother to heaven.
I completed my final year in girl scouting.
I completed my last year living at home, meaning that my place in the family needs to change.

I am not to sure what feels incomplete, if I had to come up with some things, they would be the following:
1. Finding an exercise/diet plan which I can commit to
2. Figuring out my expectations of my future/determining a path for the future which motivates me
3. Organizing my room at home and condensing the amount of things I have there.
4. Reaching back to some friends from high school who I may be on the borderline of losing

5. What were the most significant events of the year past? List the top three.
   1. Graduation
   2. Beginning College
   3. Relationship Status Change

6. What did I do right? What do I feel especially good about? What was your greatest contribution?
I believe that I made a solid decision about myself needing time to change and experiment in my life. I feel especially good about becoming an advocate for myself and my feelings in my past relationship and in my friendships. I am becoming very open about being the person that I want to be and letting others choose how they feel about it. I think that I have been trying to show people who I am and also show people how much they mean to me. I think my greatest contribution was kindling a great relationship to my grandmother before her passing because I believe that would have been a life-long regret for myself if I was not able to get close to her and gain this relationship. Another contribution was getting close to the church at school, and although I believe I need to improve the relationship I have with Christianity outside of the church, however I feel very good about my self-motivation towards going to mass in school.

7. What were the fun things I did? What were the things that were not fun?
-FUN: Going to Disney, Jamaica, Spain, and Switzerland
-FUN: My first semester at Quinnipiac University
-NOT SO FUN: stupid fights with family and friends
-NOT SO FUN: post-break up depression

8. What were my biggest challenges, roadblocks or difficulties?
I think that I was so set on getting to college and getting to be independent that I was not appreciating some of the things around me, so when it came time to leave these things behind, I was very scared and it put a lot of pressure on me to figure out my plans for the future and also to find my place in college right away. Another challange was that while everything in my life was changing, including my breakup, I realised I wasnt surrounded by all of the support I had at home and this made the transition very difficult for me but also made me realise how important it was to appreciate the new things around me.

9. How am I different this year than last?
I am a college student, more independent, not living at home
I am more in-tune with myself, I am trying to analyze myself and i have become a greater advocate for how I feel.

10. For what am I particularly grateful
My loving family, who have supported me all through my life and contiunue to support me today
My mom--who loves me unconditionally, and shows me support: thanks for staying up with me until 2am when I felt confused and lonely, thankyou for driving to college to get me when I really needed you, thankyou for all your support and for always giving me the things I asked for. Thankyou for bringing me up, teaching me how to be independent, organised, motivated, and responsible. Thankyou for keeping me out of trouble and teaching me right from wrong. Thankyou for being my best friend
My dad- thankyou for always supporting me, even when it was something you didnt really understand. Thankyou for having patience with me when I am being moody or unreasonable. Thankyou for always taking care of me and being a loving father
My sister- thankyou for always loving me and looking up to me. thankyou for always helping me with the things i need and being there for me when I needed u there for me
My supportive friends--especially those of you who have been there for me when I especially needed it or when I really needed someone to reach out to me.
My cats-- I know this seems silly, but really, they always make me smile and are there for me when I need comforting, they really are some of my best friends too
Health, Safety, Laughter, Company, Knowledge, Good Times, Memories, Smiles
The opportunity to get closer to my grandmother
The opportunity to live life the way I have been acustomed: to be able to get a great education and feel safe
God--Thankyou for everything tangible and untangible; I love you