Weight Of The World

Why does it seem like I hold the weight of the world on my shoulders? I build people up only to tear them down. I dont do it on purpose, I just get scared, I dont trust that I am ready to be everything people want me to be. I love you. I love the world. I just don't know where I fit into it. Sometimes, most of the time, Id rather be hurt than to hurt others. I would rather not understand other people's actions than not to understand myself. But I don't understand myself. I'm a mystery to myself. Even though sometimes I feel happy or confident or important, there always comes a time where I feel defeted and where I feel like I built up everything only to tear it down because I am unstable in myself. When I was walking, I felt every footstep, I felt the weight of my whole body and all the air above me pushing down on everypart of my foot. I was walking on the ice, the stuff you used to walk on as a kid, the crunchy kind that you try to crush and break up, but i just wasnt breaking it.

I have highs and lows, and usually I rest somewhere in the middle. I am pretty lucky that I dont stick in the lows everyday, but sometimes I wish I could just stay in that bubble sometimes. The bubble where everything feels alright. That bubble where I am cuddling next to you so perfectly and my body just fits perfectly next to yours, cuddled up against you, the happiness that I feel then, when there are no temptations where there is nothing else to worry about, just you and me. When we can fall into nice warm sticky kisses and everything is a fairy tale. Everything about you is good, your skin is so soft, your lips are so perfect against mine, your eyes are beautifully smiling-- and that smell, even if you just ran or shoveled the driveway, you smell good. Sometimes I really wish I could just live out on a boat, nothing but the warm sun, the cool ocean, the fish, you, me, and God. I mean I guess there will always be days where the sun burns or the ocean swells, or the sharks come out to feed on the fish; but at least I would be stuck with me. There are too many choices in life, how can you ever be sure that you are going down the right path? What is the right path? What is wrong with me? Why dont people think of me when they think of their best friend? Why isnt there anyone who would call me in a crashing plane? Why do you have to cause hurt? Maybe I should give up on finding people who make me happy? Maybe I should just help people but never get involved.

I came across the text in black by happenstance the other day and found it on xanga titled "I live for the nights i can't remember with the people Ill never forget"

We tend to fall in love the same way we get sick;
without wanting to, without believing it,
against our will & unable to defend ourselves.
And then we lose love exactly the same way.

Sometimes, deep down, we know that its not time to fall in love or that maybe we're not ready to put our whole heart into it, but it just happens. We don't believe it. And then something happens, and you just stop trusting yourself, and as much as you want to put all you have into it, something is holding you back. Its inexplainable, you want so much to be able to just tell your brain to makeup its mind and settle, but you just cant feel okay, its too much pressure. Its fight or flight and you dont want to fight so you run away, you dont want to risk hurting anything that you know you could really be happy with.

Always tell someone how
you feel. Even if it's hard.
Because opportunities are lost in
 the blink of an eye but regret
can last for a lifetime.

 Once I heard that you should never regret anything because at the time, its exactly what you wanted. And it sucks, because how the hell do you know why you want anything or dont want something? I dont want to lose an opportunity but I dont want to live when Im not 100%.

we're not perfect.
we laugh too hard. we are way to loud.
and we make complete fools of ourselves,
but doing it together is what
makes us best friends.

False, You can neve ever laugh to hard, ever. If we could just laugh forever, everything would be alright. Life is about making a complete fool of yourself.

drink to all that we have lost
mistakes that we have made
everything will change
love remains the same

 You cant take life to serious, because its not going to last forever, its fragile and it is not timless. You need to take every step knowing that its going somewhere (but it worries me that I dont know where) and you need to take every drink knowing that there are people places who cannot take that drink. Love will never leave, no matter who you love and what happens, the love will always stick with you. Always. It may be placed aside for a while, but it will always come back if you let it.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.
And maybe we'll never know most of them.
But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,
we can still choose where we go from there.
We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

 It is definitely true that we will never know why we are who we are or why we feel the way we feel, and i may be pessimistic, but even if you can choose where we go, how can we chose how we feel about them. How can we make ourselves feel so okay when the world is so confusing and full of changes and issues.

And when you kissed me that night, I couldn't help but think...
this is exactly what I have waited for my whole life.

Have you ever really cried for someonemore than you wanted to?
Have you ever tried to love him in spite of all the pain?

 You cannot cry for someone too much, everyone is worth every tear you could ever shed, we are all God's children. Everyday, I would rather love through pain than to not love at all.

i'm feeling it coming over me
with you it all comes naturally
i've lost the reflex to resist
and i could get used to this

Love like this it exists, how would I ever know if it lasts? But I know I have been able to find the person who matches like a puzzle piece to mine, I have meet the person who I can feel comfortable in front of, who I dont have to hide anything from.

 it doesn't matter where you go in life
it's who you have beside you.

every time i try to talk to you
i get tongue-tied
turns out everything i say
to you comes out wrong and
never comes out right

When will someone understand when I say things wrong? When will the things I say be right? When will I know what is right and feel what is right?

you're waiting for someone to put you together
you're waiting for someone to push you away
there's always another wound to discover
there's always something more you wish he'd say

 Im living life like seaweed, I want people to like me, I want to make people better, I want to be with someone but I dont know what to do when I get that far. Im always waiting to be pulled in and pushed away and when im not pushed away I dont knowwhat to do.

if you love something, set it free.
if it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with

 Its true, But you cant always set people free without there being hard feelings and that hurts on my part, to try and set things free so things can be better in the future but it hurts to feel alone and to not be able to be that person you want to be so badly, right at that moment.

Goodbyes make you think.
Theymake you realize what you have,
what you've lost,
& what you've taken for granted

 True

·         You're tripping on what's in front of you
because you keep looking behind you.

 Every Step taken forward, can easily be set back. How do you stop looking behind you and around you and only focus on what is in front of you

she  misses the lips that
made her fly.

She misses letting the lips make her fly

i mean maybe i would love to go back to those days,
but then again i wouldn’t. because if it meant having
to lose you all over again, i’m not sure i could handle
that. not again. 

I dont want to risk hurting you again because you mean so much

I dont even know how to address this, I guess it explains so many feelings a person could feel. I try so hard to have an impact, to feel, to be there, to make everything okay for other people, so why do I have such a hard time letting other people be there for me and make everything okay? Im sorry this is a wishy-washy post, but its a wishy-washy time in my life. I dont know who I am, where I am going or what I feel. Im not in control, I wish I could be. I wish I could be in that bubble again, where everything would be A-Okay.

You always make me smile, the things you do matter more than you will ever understand, and no matter what, you mean more to me than you will ever know. Remember that.