Chain Reaction

It's amazing how one thing can put a dark stormy cloud over your head and mind. Whether that one little thing be the thought of loved one lost or a person mentioning something which hits you a little bit funny. I mean maybe amazing isn't quite the word, as it has many positive connotations, nevertheless, the power that one single thing might hold over your emotions is great.

I lost my grandmother today. We called her "Oma" which means "Grandmother" in German. She was German, technically where she was born is now part of the Chezk Republic. I  never used to be close to my Grandmother. I always thought of it as a chore, its not that I did not love her, its that I hated the environment of the nursing home and she always seemed to be in a bad mood. She always questioned why I didn't come in to visit more often and made accusations that I didn't love her or want to visit. And I guess she was right, I didn't. I mean i truly was very busy like I told her, but I could've made time. I wish I realised how special and important it was to spend time with her sooner, but I guess that cannot be changed.

I suppose I should explain a little background on my grandmother, she had rumatar arthritis. Her doctor was very old fashioned and whenever she got sick, he would give her a shot of penicillin, so she built up a high tolerance to antibiotics, and they soon became ineffective on her. As her arthritis was getting worse, she signed waivers to become part of an experimental group for a drug for arthritis, which has not yet been tested and therefore was not approved of by the FDA. The drug ended up giving her an infection in the ankle and it spread too quickly for them to treat and it went to the spine and she was paralyzed from the waist down. She and her husband had hoped for a rehabilitation, as he just went into retirement, however the arthritis and other issues made it somewhat impossible. She was predeceased by her loving husband in 2005. He was an army vet who met her on tour in Germany. He had visited her everyday while she was in the nursing home.

I believe that the greatest opportunity I had to discover my priorities was when my parents brought her to visit my college for a foliage trip before her surgery. For Oma, my family says this was the tipping stone, where she started to turn for the worse and never returned. For Oma and I, this occasion turned to a new chapter in or lives, a chapter where, out of some miracle, I discovered the value and preciousness of my relationship with my grandmother. I am not sure what brought about this sudden change, however, since I got to college, I felt a new found value in that relationship and other things too, like church. Things which I had been required to do before, but now that they were in my own control, I gave them more value. When she came up that day, despite the presence of my family and at the time, boyfriend, I was focused on her. That is one of my proudest moments, when I realised how good it felt to really love her and care for her and want to show her things and bond with her. It was not a chore, showing her around, I loved it. I talked to her all day and through dinner. I helped her figure out what she wanted to order and did all the things which I had once considered a bother.

Oma had a couple scares that first semester of college and they crushed me like a ton of bricks. I got so worried for her. I really wanted her to know how much I cared for her. When I came home for thanksgiving, my parents told me to go visit her and they told me she kept talking about these pancakes she saw on TV and that I needed to go see her to find out what they were so I could bring them to her the next day. I did not want to go. But I did, and surprisingly, she was doing better than anyone had told me she was. She talked to me and ate food and seemed so happy to see me. The next day, I brought her the pancakes, but she was too sick to eat them, she was too sick to eat anything. They told me later she has a virus, but I didn't care, I was not going to stop kissing her or holding her hand for anything. I visited her many times, and it didn't feel like a chore. I wanted to be there . When thanksgiving day came around I felt horrible she needed to spend the whole say at the nursing home. We brought her thanksgiving dinner plate to her at the nursing home.

I do not think I really thought it was her time yet. The family made it seem like she had been recovering from her recent hospitalization and I did not realise how bad it was until I got home. My mom told me "Oma is not doing well, she is not eating. Dad is going to see her everyday. She was eating for him last week, but not this week. You should really go see her soon. I was praying nothing would happen to her during your finals. You should go see her when you get home." I got so incredibly worried. I went to go visit her and she was doing well. Sure, she was thinner, and you could tell she had been sick. But she was talking to me and she was eating and being so positive. If I had lost her after this, I would have been a wreck, because she still seemed so strong, and did not seem ready to go. I told her I was coming back on Sunday night or Monday morning and she seemed to be in good spirit.

When I saw her Monday morning, I think we both knew it was the end. What killed me was seeing her pain. She asked me to get her ginger ale when I arrived and when I gave it to her, she could not sip it, she was trying so hard to get the liquid up the straw, but she simply couldn't muster the strength. The same thing happened with the tea. It broke me to pieces that I was unable to giver her the thing she wanted, drink.  She could barely talk and her hand was swelling up again. I held her hand, and we both squeezed our hands back and forth. I could tell she didn't want me to let go. She could barely communicate with us, but she had her ways. She communicated to me that her hand was hurting her. I talked to her about the good times, I don't know what prompted it, but I did, we talked about how I used to run around her house with my dad's old GI-JOE and how I used to go around the house with the toy broom and dustpan, sweeping, and how we would bring the scraps out to feed the neighbor's dog, Kirby. I was smiling thinking about the good times, and I could tell it made her happy too, I think she needed to hear these things. Before I left, I gave her a kiss on the face, and I lingered there to tell her how much I loved her and how much I cared and how I was praying and that God is with her. She told me, before I left, while my face was there, hovering above hers "I love you." I do not think I ever had something strike me like that. I knew she truly meant it. There was so much power in these words, and even though she could barely talk, she had the strength to tell me this. Those were powerful words. I told her I would be back that night or the next morning, but between us, I think we just knew, that the time would not come.

When I was back at home, while my dad was with her, the Raggedy Ann and Andy that she had made for me fell down in my closet, I think this was a sign. And I found the old book, "The Big Jump" which was my dad's that came from her house.

When we got the phone call, my mom came in and asked me if I wanted to go to the nursing home with my dad or if I wanted her to go. I told her I would go, in a daze. She passed away 20 minutes after my dad left her. He told her how much he loved her and thanked her for everything she had done for him. She needed to say goodbye, and then once she was alone, she could let go. She needed that, to be free of the shell which was her body, which was hurting her and limiting her. She needed to enter into the next part of her life, where she could be safe and peaceful, with her loving husband and God.

When we went to the nursing home, we just sat there together and cried, it was a truly amazing moment for my father and I. We were just together and bonded. The staff came in to say goodbye to her and say there condolences and it was so amazing to see these people, and to see how much she meant to them. They had been family to her, and they were showing they were family to us. It was so touching and comforting to see this. When my dad went out to talk to the funeral home I went too, but I knew it was my time to be with her and say all of the things I needed to say to her. I was drawn back to that room and I told her all of the things I needed to say. When my dad came back, I knew I needed to give him the same opportunity and I did. He walked home from the nursing home, he needed that time for reflection. As my mom said, its hard to imagine the person who has to love you no matter what you do, who has to forgive you and care no matter what (your mother) suddenly be missing from your life. And now I know I need to show him that I will always be here for him to love him and support him. My dad and I got a lot closer that night, we gained a new understanding and bond between us.

This is the hardest loss I have ever suffered because of the bond I truly gained with her. But it was bittersweet, because as much as I enjoyed creating this bond with her, that desire was somewhat selfish. The death is more of a happy moment, because we know her pain will come to an end, and while we sat on earth, mourning her loss, she was with all of us and with her loving husband again. While it was sad to know it was the end of her time on earth, I felt the new sensation of having her around me, having her presence with me all of the time. She did not need to be alone in the nursing home anymore, she can now be with all of us, all of the time. Peaceful and happy.

So I decided to include the reading which I selected for her funeral mass:

"A Reading From the Book of Ecclesiastes

Does it really matter what anyone does? I've had a good look at what Gold has given us to do... and there is a season for everything, a right time for every purpose on earth:
A time for giving birth, and a time for dying,
A time for mourning, and a time for dancing,
A time to hold on, and a time to let go,
A time for keeping silent, and a time for speaking up.

We keep busy, we live our lives.
But who can comprehend the mind of God?
Who can ever know what God is up to?
I've decided that there's nothing better to do than get on with life, live the best we can, eat, drink, and make the most of our work~ here on earth

This is a gift from God. The Word of the Lord"

It was important for me to remember that, while I enjoyed and loved her here on earth, that she had gone to a better place. Itwas ironic, how my dad and I were at her bedside, unsure of how to pick up the pieces and she was up in heaven, safe with God and her loving husband. I felt almost a glow, I felt her spirit, it was comforting. It snowed that night, it was the perfect snow, the kind which keeps falling in big flakes, but it doesnt accumulate into anything. She was there, she was giving us this beautiful snow. I know Oma moved on to a better place, it was her time to let go in this part of her life. Her body could no longer do anything for her beautiful spirit and so it left its shell behind and went to join God in heaven.

In closing, the priest spoke to us and he told us about how every thing on earth will go through many transititions. How doors must close, and people must let go in order for it to immerse itself in the beauties of the next portion. God shows that good things come from death:
-as a seed dies to become a fruitful plant; the seed must cease to exist, but it becomes a beautiful plant
-as a catarpillar becomes a butterfly, it must first cease to be a caterpillar but only to become something very beautiful and special
If God does these things for each thing he has created, than there must be something more beautiful and special than any worldly thing we have imagined waiting for us humans, as he created us in his own likeness. '

Merry Christmas Oma. Merry Christmas all