It's amazing how one thing can put a dark stormy cloud over your head and mind. Whether that one little thing be the thought of loved one lost or a person mentioning something which hits you a little bit funny. I mean maybe amazing isn't quite the word, as it has many positive connotations, nevertheless, the power that one single thing might hold over your emotions is great.
I lost my grandmother today. We called her "Oma" which means "Grandmother" in German. She was German, technically where she was born is now part of the Chezk Republic. I never used to be close to my Grandmother. I always thought of it as a chore, its not that I did not love her, its that I hated the environment of the nursing home and she always seemed to be in a bad mood. She always questioned why I didn't come in to visit more often and made accusations that I didn't love her or want to visit. And I guess she was right, I didn't. I mean i truly was very busy like I told her, but I could've made time. I wish I realised how special and important it was to spend time with her sooner, but I guess that cannot be changed.
I suppose I should explain a little background on my grandmother, she had rumatar arthritis. Her doctor was very old fashioned and whenever she got sick, he would give her a shot of penicillin, so she built up a high tolerance to antibiotics, and they soon became ineffective on her. As her arthritis was getting worse, she signed waivers to become part of an experimental group for a drug for arthritis, which has not yet been tested and therefore was not approved of by the FDA. The drug ended up giving her an infection in the ankle and it spread too quickly for them to treat and it went to the spine and she was paralyzed from the waist down. She and her husband had hoped for a rehabilitation, as he just went into retirement, however the arthritis and other issues made it somewhat impossible. She was predeceased by her loving husband in 2005. He was an army vet who met her on tour in Germany. He had visited her everyday while she was in the nursing home.
I believe that the greatest opportunity I had to discover my priorities was when my parents brought her to visit my college for a foliage trip before her surgery. For Oma, my family says this was the tipping stone, where she started to turn for the worse and never returned. For Oma and I, this occasion turned to a new chapter in or lives, a chapter where, out of some miracle, I discovered the value and preciousness of my relationship with my grandmother. I am not sure what brought about this sudden change, however, since I got to college, I felt a new found value in that relationship and other things too, like church. Things which I had been required to do before, but now that they were in my own control, I gave them more value. When she came up that day, despite the presence of my family and at the time, boyfriend, I was focused on her. That is one of my proudest moments, when I realised how good it felt to really love her and care for her and want to show her things and bond with her. It was not a chore, showing her around, I loved it. I talked to her all day and through dinner. I helped her figure out what she wanted to order and did all the things which I had once considered a bother.
Oma had a couple scares that first semester of college and they crushed me like a ton of bricks. I got so worried for her. I really wanted her to know how much I cared for her. When I came home for thanksgiving, my parents told me to go visit her and they told me she kept talking about these pancakes she saw on TV and that I needed to go see her to find out what they were so I could bring them to her the next day. I did not want to go. But I did, and surprisingly, she was doing better than anyone had told me she was. She talked to me and ate food and seemed so happy to see me. The next day, I brought her the pancakes, but she was too sick to eat them, she was too sick to eat anything. They told me later she has a virus, but I didn't care, I was not going to stop kissing her or holding her hand for anything. I visited her many times, and it didn't feel like a chore. I wanted to be there . When thanksgiving day came around I felt horrible she needed to spend the whole say at the nursing home. We brought her thanksgiving dinner plate to her at the nursing home.
I do not think I really thought it was her time yet. The family made it seem like she had been recovering from her recent hospitalization and I did not realise how bad it was until I got home. My mom told me "Oma is not doing well, she is not eating. Dad is going to see her everyday. She was eating for him last week, but not this week. You should really go see her soon. I was praying nothing would happen to her during your finals. You should go see her when you get home." I got so incredibly worried. I went to go visit her and she was doing well. Sure, she was thinner, and you could tell she had been sick. But she was talking to me and she was eating and being so positive. If I had lost her after this, I would have been a wreck, because she still seemed so strong, and did not seem ready to go. I told her I was coming back on Sunday night or Monday morning and she seemed to be in good spirit.
When I saw her Monday morning, I think we both knew it was the end. What killed me was seeing her pain. She asked me to get her ginger ale when I arrived and when I gave it to her, she could not sip it, she was trying so hard to get the liquid up the straw, but she simply couldn't muster the strength. The same thing happened with the tea. It broke me to pieces that I was unable to giver her the thing she wanted, drink. She could barely talk and her hand was swelling up again. I held her hand, and we both squeezed our hands back and forth. I could tell she didn't want me to let go. She could barely communicate with us, but she had her ways. She communicated to me that her hand was hurting her. I talked to her about the good times, I don't know what prompted it, but I did, we talked about how I used to run around her house with my dad's old GI-JOE and how I used to go around the house with the toy broom and dustpan, sweeping, and how we would bring the scraps out to feed the neighbor's dog, Kirby. I was smiling thinking about the good times, and I could tell it made her happy too, I think she needed to hear these things. Before I left, I gave her a kiss on the face, and I lingered there to tell her how much I loved her and how much I cared and how I was praying and that God is with her. She told me, before I left, while my face was there, hovering above hers "I love you." I do not think I ever had something strike me like that. I knew she truly meant it. There was so much power in these words, and even though she could barely talk, she had the strength to tell me this. Those were powerful words. I told her I would be back that night or the next morning, but between us, I think we just knew, that the time would not come.
When I was back at home, while my dad was with her, the Raggedy Ann and Andy that she had made for me fell down in my closet, I think this was a sign. And I found the old book, "The Big Jump" which was my dad's that came from her house.
When we got the phone call, my mom came in and asked me if I wanted to go to the nursing home with my dad or if I wanted her to go. I told her I would go, in a daze. She passed away 20 minutes after my dad left her. He told her how much he loved her and thanked her for everything she had done for him. She needed to say goodbye, and then once she was alone, she could let go. She needed that, to be free of the shell which was her body, which was hurting her and limiting her. She needed to enter into the next part of her life, where she could be safe and peaceful, with her loving husband and God.
When we went to the nursing home, we just sat there together and cried, it was a truly amazing moment for my father and I. We were just together and bonded. The staff came in to say goodbye to her and say there condolences and it was so amazing to see these people, and to see how much she meant to them. They had been family to her, and they were showing they were family to us. It was so touching and comforting to see this. When my dad went out to talk to the funeral home I went too, but I knew it was my time to be with her and say all of the things I needed to say to her. I was drawn back to that room and I told her all of the things I needed to say. When my dad came back, I knew I needed to give him the same opportunity and I did. He walked home from the nursing home, he needed that time for reflection. As my mom said, its hard to imagine the person who has to love you no matter what you do, who has to forgive you and care no matter what (your mother) suddenly be missing from your life. And now I know I need to show him that I will always be here for him to love him and support him. My dad and I got a lot closer that night, we gained a new understanding and bond between us.
This is the hardest loss I have ever suffered because of the bond I truly gained with her. But it was bittersweet, because as much as I enjoyed creating this bond with her, that desire was somewhat selfish. The death is more of a happy moment, because we know her pain will come to an end, and while we sat on earth, mourning her loss, she was with all of us and with her loving husband again. While it was sad to know it was the end of her time on earth, I felt the new sensation of having her around me, having her presence with me all of the time. She did not need to be alone in the nursing home anymore, she can now be with all of us, all of the time. Peaceful and happy.
So I decided to include the reading which I selected for her funeral mass:
"A Reading From the Book of Ecclesiastes
Does it really matter what anyone does? I've had a good look at what Gold has given us to do... and there is a season for everything, a right time for every purpose on earth:
A time for giving birth, and a time for dying,
A time for mourning, and a time for dancing,
A time to hold on, and a time to let go,
A time for keeping silent, and a time for speaking up.
We keep busy, we live our lives.
But who can comprehend the mind of God?
Who can ever know what God is up to?
I've decided that there's nothing better to do than get on with life, live the best we can, eat, drink, and make the most of our work~ here on earth
This is a gift from God. The Word of the Lord"
It was important for me to remember that, while I enjoyed and loved her here on earth, that she had gone to a better place. Itwas ironic, how my dad and I were at her bedside, unsure of how to pick up the pieces and she was up in heaven, safe with God and her loving husband. I felt almost a glow, I felt her spirit, it was comforting. It snowed that night, it was the perfect snow, the kind which keeps falling in big flakes, but it doesnt accumulate into anything. She was there, she was giving us this beautiful snow. I know Oma moved on to a better place, it was her time to let go in this part of her life. Her body could no longer do anything for her beautiful spirit and so it left its shell behind and went to join God in heaven.
In closing, the priest spoke to us and he told us about how every thing on earth will go through many transititions. How doors must close, and people must let go in order for it to immerse itself in the beauties of the next portion. God shows that good things come from death:
-as a seed dies to become a fruitful plant; the seed must cease to exist, but it becomes a beautiful plant
-as a catarpillar becomes a butterfly, it must first cease to be a caterpillar but only to become something very beautiful and special
If God does these things for each thing he has created, than there must be something more beautiful and special than any worldly thing we have imagined waiting for us humans, as he created us in his own likeness. '
Merry Christmas Oma. Merry Christmas all
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Who I wanted to Be in College?
“The unity of a human life is the unity of a narrative quest. Quests sometimes fail, are frustrated, abandoned or dissipated into distractions; and human lives may in all these ways also fail…it is in the course of the quest…that the goal of the quest is finally to be understood” ("The Virtues: The Unity of a Human Life and the Concept of Tradition")
The success of a person's life can only be measured in the knowledge they have and the lessons that they have learned. So basically, we can take from this, that its not just what you do in your life that is important but how you choose to live your life which is defining of you character. I realised that high school was a joke in terms of gym class, hall passes, and detentions but, what was important was what you took from it. Learning how to pay attention in class, learning to study, learning to respect your teachers and peers...those things were important. It was not the actual content which mattered, it was what you took out of the experience.
In high school, my life was very controlled, and I hated it, but I learned to become dedicated, responsible, organised and disciplined. Even though it sucked to have curfews and to have a lot of things to do, I think that shaped who I am now.
So what do you do when you are out of the hold of these limitations? I guess you look at what you did which was successful and what you wanted to change and then take that knowledge and go forward. You need to reflect on things and then keep pressing forward.
College: Finally! The place where you can completely be who you want to be, where no one knows you, and where you can go out and be who ever you want to be.
I decided these were some of the things I wanted to do in college in terms of other people:
1. Put myself out there-- If I don't hold back, people can either accept me or not, but at least I am not being fake
2. Be myself, and hope people liked what they saw
3. Find a good group of friends, people who understood me and would be there for me, people I could trust and count on
So I guess what I am looking for is that place of my own...Have I found it yet, I am not sure.... I guess it takes time
I mean what I really want is to be part of something. When people ask who they would call if they were about to die in a plane crash, I want someone to think of me. When people need someone to talk to, I hope people think to call me. When people ask who their friends are, I want to be one of those people.
So I'm not too sure how to tackle these things, but I guess all you can do is go out and live and hope people will see the light in you.
Microwave Generation
Alright, so I had one person comment on my last post and so I wanted to talk a little bit about what they said. Basically someone said that if in the end, you cannot commit, what is the point of anyone even trying to get close to you or appreciate you, its just a waste.
So, my friend, this is what I have to say:
1. People are very selfish, they always want to know "whats in it for me?"
2. People want to get credit for everything they did and they will take credit for whatever they can
3. People want things to be "mine" they are always worried about possession
...and I will admit, that I guess we are all on a quest to find what is ours, to discover what things belong to us or what things will stick to us. I am guilty of this just as much as everyone, I want to find a group of friends who are mine, and a place which is mine, somewhere where I am understood or appreciated. But how will you or anyone ever find this if you go around judging whether making the effort will be a waste or not? I mean if you look at a situation and say, I might not get anything out of this so its not worth it, then you're never going to get anything out of anything.
We are the freaking microwave generation. We want everything to happen so quickly and we want to know what the end result will be as soon as we can. No one wants to count on trial and error and no one wants to do anything if they are not going to see any benefits.
People can't just appreciate what is right in front of them. People are silly. Like this is the most common example I can think of:
Two people meet and they hit it off, they are really interested in each other but one person knows that they are not ready to decide who they want to be with for the rest of their life. If that partner tells the other person, the other person says, well what is the point of going out with you and learning about each other if, in the end, nothing is likely to come out of it. THIS IS THE PROBLEM! people, you need to appreciate everything around you. You are not going to be able to sit back and say: these are the friends I will have for the rest of my life, this is the person I want to marry, this is going to be my job....its just impossible. When you go through life you need to learn things just to become a more aware and well rounded person. I am a physical therapy major, why the hell do I need to take a humanity course about writing about nature???? Someone tell me, what benefit am I getting?? You just need to put yourself out there and cherish the things around you because its guaranteed they are not going to be there forever.
That how life is, things are not always going to benefit you in very clear ways, but you need to just contribute what you have. You need to give your all to everyone even if you cannot expect anything back in return.
One of my favorite images is that presented in "The Meaning of Life."
Stop, put your hand over your heart right now.
Do you feel it beating?
This is your life clock. Its 100% guaranteed that it is going to stop one day, so don't live your life holding back, because when it ends, you don't want to have any regrets
Don't you dare say that it is a waste to try and touch people who may or may not ever appreciate it. This is what I do, I am a floater. When I see that I can fill a void somewhere I do, even though, 98% of the time, I fall completely out of the picture when I am no longer needed. And at least I am trying, at least I am doing something. I hate that you cant realise how much I am doing for you, but at least I am doing it. At least I am trying to make a difference in your life. It is not a waste, if it is, then my existence is a waste. Do not try to tell me that life is supposed to be about pre-determining everything because you can never insure that you will get anything back when you give. When my life ends, I will be sorry for the people who held back and didn't reach out for others. I will pray for the people who couldn't open their eyes enough to see how much I cared about them. And I will be proud, that I lived life giving it all I had, just trying to appreciate things, even if they were temporary.
So, my friend, this is what I have to say:
1. People are very selfish, they always want to know "whats in it for me?"
2. People want to get credit for everything they did and they will take credit for whatever they can
3. People want things to be "mine" they are always worried about possession
...and I will admit, that I guess we are all on a quest to find what is ours, to discover what things belong to us or what things will stick to us. I am guilty of this just as much as everyone, I want to find a group of friends who are mine, and a place which is mine, somewhere where I am understood or appreciated. But how will you or anyone ever find this if you go around judging whether making the effort will be a waste or not? I mean if you look at a situation and say, I might not get anything out of this so its not worth it, then you're never going to get anything out of anything.
We are the freaking microwave generation. We want everything to happen so quickly and we want to know what the end result will be as soon as we can. No one wants to count on trial and error and no one wants to do anything if they are not going to see any benefits.
People can't just appreciate what is right in front of them. People are silly. Like this is the most common example I can think of:
Two people meet and they hit it off, they are really interested in each other but one person knows that they are not ready to decide who they want to be with for the rest of their life. If that partner tells the other person, the other person says, well what is the point of going out with you and learning about each other if, in the end, nothing is likely to come out of it. THIS IS THE PROBLEM! people, you need to appreciate everything around you. You are not going to be able to sit back and say: these are the friends I will have for the rest of my life, this is the person I want to marry, this is going to be my job....its just impossible. When you go through life you need to learn things just to become a more aware and well rounded person. I am a physical therapy major, why the hell do I need to take a humanity course about writing about nature???? Someone tell me, what benefit am I getting?? You just need to put yourself out there and cherish the things around you because its guaranteed they are not going to be there forever.
That how life is, things are not always going to benefit you in very clear ways, but you need to just contribute what you have. You need to give your all to everyone even if you cannot expect anything back in return.
One of my favorite images is that presented in "The Meaning of Life."
Stop, put your hand over your heart right now.
Do you feel it beating?
This is your life clock. Its 100% guaranteed that it is going to stop one day, so don't live your life holding back, because when it ends, you don't want to have any regrets
Don't you dare say that it is a waste to try and touch people who may or may not ever appreciate it. This is what I do, I am a floater. When I see that I can fill a void somewhere I do, even though, 98% of the time, I fall completely out of the picture when I am no longer needed. And at least I am trying, at least I am doing something. I hate that you cant realise how much I am doing for you, but at least I am doing it. At least I am trying to make a difference in your life. It is not a waste, if it is, then my existence is a waste. Do not try to tell me that life is supposed to be about pre-determining everything because you can never insure that you will get anything back when you give. When my life ends, I will be sorry for the people who held back and didn't reach out for others. I will pray for the people who couldn't open their eyes enough to see how much I cared about them. And I will be proud, that I lived life giving it all I had, just trying to appreciate things, even if they were temporary.
Something to think about:
Hobbes believed that humans were characterized by a “universal drive toward self-preservation and self-advancement"
He said that "societies are made up of those unique individuals striving to aggrandize themselves, striving to seek their own advantage in every way possible”
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Shooting Star
Well, here it is, my first blog post. I have been tooling around with the idea of writing a journal, hoping my life would produce some ounce of interest to someone someday, or maybe just so that someone can read it and realize, in a very small distant way, how insane I truly am, or maybe how surprisingly not insane I am. So first and foremost, I would like to welcome you to my blog, you are someone who has shown interest. I understand if you get tired of reading the things I have to say, because honestly I would probably dislike reading so much too, but if you do relate to what I have to say, feel free to let me know, I would like that very much, even if it is my posting something to me anonymously.
Sometimes I feel like we are satellites, people off in our own little worlds, not knowing how to recognize others for the things that we have to say. Its like in the movie Crash, at the beginning, he says:
"Its the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. Were always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."
I think that I am always looking to crash. I want so badly to touch other people, to show them how much they mean to me and to be special to them. I can't slow down, I work too fast for most people. I jump into things headfirst, never thinking. I do not listen to that little part of my mind which says, "you shouldn't be doing this," because there is another part of my mind that says "watch me." I do not think I am capable of stopping myself to think and even if I do, I hate making decisions, so when it comes down to it, I would rather just go in and do what I want because I do not know how to tell myself "no."
I saw a quote online that is comforting to me "Live life with no regrets, because at the time, it was exactly what you needed." This is how my mind works, I try to give people what they need, I do whatever I feel, and it usually comes back around to bite me in the butt, but I just don't know how to place limits on myself. I think I jump to fill voids. When I see that there is someone who needs something that I can provide, I can easily morph to fit that place. I cannot define myself, other than giving myself the definition of a person who morphs. When I see someone with a weak spot, I jump to be the crutch, I jump to try to be that person who can finally be their savior. I want to be the ice pack when you bump your head, the sweatshirt that smells like your boyfriend that you hold when your upset, and the broom you need when your life falls to pieces. The problem is, that these things are never recognized, they do not mean anything to you. I want to be there for you when you need it, but when you don't, you make me feel like i don't belong. I want to be that person who you call when you need anything. I want to be the person who can comfort you when you need something, anything at all. The problem is that you cannot be this for everyone, I try, but some people cannot handle it and other people get upset, because they want you all to them self--and this is my biggest flaw, I want to be there for everyone, but that doesn't seem to work.
I see people who are close all the time and I wish I had that. You know how they ask who you would call if you were in a crashing plane and you only had one second to decide? Well I want to be that person, but aside from a boyfriend or parent, I am fairly sure no one would ever call me. Those things take time, I suppose but people consider me more of a floater, they use me when they need me and eventually fade away. I'm more like a bandage, or even that tissue that you use when you get a cut before you can find a bandage. I think I have the ability to make people like me a lot at first when they need something because I will be very open with my feelings and they like that. I will admit that I am vulnerable and that I am dangerous. They say that when you love someone you show them by committing, but filling the voids, is like a drug for me, I do not think I am ready. I don't think it is committing to someone which is hard, but what is hard is giving up the ability to be there for others in every way possible. I love people. I do not hate anyone.
Sometimes I feel like it is easier to just be a floater, being there for people when they need help, but not omnipresent because that would require me to hurt people. I would have to say no to people and myself, and that is really hard. When I see someone who is struggling, I can relate with a time I was struggling and I know that I wish someone was there for me. I can commit to people 98% and I am there for them 100% but if I say I am 100% I panic because then I feel like I am being misleading because if there is ever a part of me that is not, I have deceived them and I cannot live with that pressure. Someday, I hope I really mean something to someone, not just like as a wife or sister or something, but that I can really help someone.
So it is pretty obvious now why I picked the name transformer, because I like to morph into whatever someone needs at the time. I don't think about what other things I am affecting because right at that moment, it was exactly what I wanted to do and exactly where I felt I was needed.
I have always thought of myself as a good kid. I was pretty typical, I think. I did many things in high school and my life was pretty much regulated by my parents and people around me. I did not really make choices about what I wanted to do, just did what I was supposed to. So if people think I was never there for them, not true, If you needed anything at all, I would have been there or tried my best to get there. I always try my best. I wanted someone who I could just sit around and gossip with or just hang around with but I always felt like a bother. If I did not have anything to say to make you laugh or just contribute to the situation somehow, it killed me. But I do realize that the person you would call falling out of the sky is the person who was there to help you even when you didn't ask for help, but I never know how to choose one person and make them my priority, knowing I am ignoring others at the same time.
I do not like being alone, I like knowing that someone wants to be there. I don't care if you are sitting there on facebook or writing an essay, the fact that you want to be around me is nice. I read something about the power of presence and I thought it was very special to me. Basically, it talked about how even if you have nothing to say or nothing which you can give away, by simply being there, you are giving something. To me it means the world, having someone who will listen or just want to be around me. Presence means everything to me. Being present is hard for me to, because while I love to be present for others, I never know how they are reacting to it. When you make that decision to stop in really quick and give me a hug, it really does make my day.
Certain things mean the world to you and you will never be able to express them to anyone else. Like listening to someone talk to me about September 11th 2010, I will be able to share with them that I was young and in forth grade and tell them that I really had no idea what the twin towers were and was able to simply go on with my life. But I am not sure that anyone really cares. But what I wish I could share with people was how much I have thought about this. How much I wrack my brain thinking about how different my reaction to the experience was from others. Here, I have met many people who lost parents and relatives in the tragedy, and I cannot wrap my head around the fact that they are so strong. I wish I could just tell them that I realise it was a life-changing experience from them and that I would always listen to them, and try to begin to understand, even though I will never know what it feels like. I wish these people knew how much they have touched me and how much respect and admiration I have for them. I wish I could tell them how much I admire them and credit them for the strength that they have had, but I do not know if even that would mean anything to them.
I do not think people understand me, or if they do they do not show it. I do not think anyone will ever truly understand another person, but recognising that is the first step. It is nice to have someone who you have a connection with. I try my best, I work my hardest, and when it seems like I am a crazy psychopath, I hope they will try to understand what I am trying to do, because just trying to understand means the world to me. Aren't we all a little psychopathic, I mean I agree, it would make my life a lot easier if I just was able to weigh things out in my mind and then somehow choose what the apparent "better choice" is but for me, it always seems that every part is important, the 98% and the 2% and that you cannot ignore either of them, but I cant.
I am really just a good kid. I came from a nice town, and I am fairly responsible. I will try to keep people safe as if my life depended on it, but in the process, I feel like everything gets all messed up. Even though we are all on our own, every action effects the people who have decided to tap into you. Every time you reach out you form a bond with that person, you become responsible for how you move and shake that bond. You are walking a fine line, where at any time, an action could just pull that bond apart and then it is all your fault. That is my worst fear, the fear of breaking those bonds, I don't want to hurt other people, but at the same time, the feeling of being constricted is equally difficult. This is why I hate making decisions, because they will always affect others and what others feel and think is important to me. So I guess even though I am a good kid: my intentions are the best and I always try my hardest, I am a dangerous kid, because I don't know how to make one thing more important than another. I only know how to live life doing the things that I feel I need at that time, I do not know how to make the decisions for the long term, because everything is changing.
“Time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively…we must use time creatively, in the knowledge that time is always ripe to do right” Martin Luther King
Sometimes I feel like we are satellites, people off in our own little worlds, not knowing how to recognize others for the things that we have to say. Its like in the movie Crash, at the beginning, he says:
"Its the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. Were always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."
I think that I am always looking to crash. I want so badly to touch other people, to show them how much they mean to me and to be special to them. I can't slow down, I work too fast for most people. I jump into things headfirst, never thinking. I do not listen to that little part of my mind which says, "you shouldn't be doing this," because there is another part of my mind that says "watch me." I do not think I am capable of stopping myself to think and even if I do, I hate making decisions, so when it comes down to it, I would rather just go in and do what I want because I do not know how to tell myself "no."
I saw a quote online that is comforting to me "Live life with no regrets, because at the time, it was exactly what you needed." This is how my mind works, I try to give people what they need, I do whatever I feel, and it usually comes back around to bite me in the butt, but I just don't know how to place limits on myself. I think I jump to fill voids. When I see that there is someone who needs something that I can provide, I can easily morph to fit that place. I cannot define myself, other than giving myself the definition of a person who morphs. When I see someone with a weak spot, I jump to be the crutch, I jump to try to be that person who can finally be their savior. I want to be the ice pack when you bump your head, the sweatshirt that smells like your boyfriend that you hold when your upset, and the broom you need when your life falls to pieces. The problem is, that these things are never recognized, they do not mean anything to you. I want to be there for you when you need it, but when you don't, you make me feel like i don't belong. I want to be that person who you call when you need anything. I want to be the person who can comfort you when you need something, anything at all. The problem is that you cannot be this for everyone, I try, but some people cannot handle it and other people get upset, because they want you all to them self--and this is my biggest flaw, I want to be there for everyone, but that doesn't seem to work.
I see people who are close all the time and I wish I had that. You know how they ask who you would call if you were in a crashing plane and you only had one second to decide? Well I want to be that person, but aside from a boyfriend or parent, I am fairly sure no one would ever call me. Those things take time, I suppose but people consider me more of a floater, they use me when they need me and eventually fade away. I'm more like a bandage, or even that tissue that you use when you get a cut before you can find a bandage. I think I have the ability to make people like me a lot at first when they need something because I will be very open with my feelings and they like that. I will admit that I am vulnerable and that I am dangerous. They say that when you love someone you show them by committing, but filling the voids, is like a drug for me, I do not think I am ready. I don't think it is committing to someone which is hard, but what is hard is giving up the ability to be there for others in every way possible. I love people. I do not hate anyone.
Sometimes I feel like it is easier to just be a floater, being there for people when they need help, but not omnipresent because that would require me to hurt people. I would have to say no to people and myself, and that is really hard. When I see someone who is struggling, I can relate with a time I was struggling and I know that I wish someone was there for me. I can commit to people 98% and I am there for them 100% but if I say I am 100% I panic because then I feel like I am being misleading because if there is ever a part of me that is not, I have deceived them and I cannot live with that pressure. Someday, I hope I really mean something to someone, not just like as a wife or sister or something, but that I can really help someone.
So it is pretty obvious now why I picked the name transformer, because I like to morph into whatever someone needs at the time. I don't think about what other things I am affecting because right at that moment, it was exactly what I wanted to do and exactly where I felt I was needed.
I have always thought of myself as a good kid. I was pretty typical, I think. I did many things in high school and my life was pretty much regulated by my parents and people around me. I did not really make choices about what I wanted to do, just did what I was supposed to. So if people think I was never there for them, not true, If you needed anything at all, I would have been there or tried my best to get there. I always try my best. I wanted someone who I could just sit around and gossip with or just hang around with but I always felt like a bother. If I did not have anything to say to make you laugh or just contribute to the situation somehow, it killed me. But I do realize that the person you would call falling out of the sky is the person who was there to help you even when you didn't ask for help, but I never know how to choose one person and make them my priority, knowing I am ignoring others at the same time.
I do not like being alone, I like knowing that someone wants to be there. I don't care if you are sitting there on facebook or writing an essay, the fact that you want to be around me is nice. I read something about the power of presence and I thought it was very special to me. Basically, it talked about how even if you have nothing to say or nothing which you can give away, by simply being there, you are giving something. To me it means the world, having someone who will listen or just want to be around me. Presence means everything to me. Being present is hard for me to, because while I love to be present for others, I never know how they are reacting to it. When you make that decision to stop in really quick and give me a hug, it really does make my day.
Certain things mean the world to you and you will never be able to express them to anyone else. Like listening to someone talk to me about September 11th 2010, I will be able to share with them that I was young and in forth grade and tell them that I really had no idea what the twin towers were and was able to simply go on with my life. But I am not sure that anyone really cares. But what I wish I could share with people was how much I have thought about this. How much I wrack my brain thinking about how different my reaction to the experience was from others. Here, I have met many people who lost parents and relatives in the tragedy, and I cannot wrap my head around the fact that they are so strong. I wish I could just tell them that I realise it was a life-changing experience from them and that I would always listen to them, and try to begin to understand, even though I will never know what it feels like. I wish these people knew how much they have touched me and how much respect and admiration I have for them. I wish I could tell them how much I admire them and credit them for the strength that they have had, but I do not know if even that would mean anything to them.
I do not think people understand me, or if they do they do not show it. I do not think anyone will ever truly understand another person, but recognising that is the first step. It is nice to have someone who you have a connection with. I try my best, I work my hardest, and when it seems like I am a crazy psychopath, I hope they will try to understand what I am trying to do, because just trying to understand means the world to me. Aren't we all a little psychopathic, I mean I agree, it would make my life a lot easier if I just was able to weigh things out in my mind and then somehow choose what the apparent "better choice" is but for me, it always seems that every part is important, the 98% and the 2% and that you cannot ignore either of them, but I cant.
I am really just a good kid. I came from a nice town, and I am fairly responsible. I will try to keep people safe as if my life depended on it, but in the process, I feel like everything gets all messed up. Even though we are all on our own, every action effects the people who have decided to tap into you. Every time you reach out you form a bond with that person, you become responsible for how you move and shake that bond. You are walking a fine line, where at any time, an action could just pull that bond apart and then it is all your fault. That is my worst fear, the fear of breaking those bonds, I don't want to hurt other people, but at the same time, the feeling of being constricted is equally difficult. This is why I hate making decisions, because they will always affect others and what others feel and think is important to me. So I guess even though I am a good kid: my intentions are the best and I always try my hardest, I am a dangerous kid, because I don't know how to make one thing more important than another. I only know how to live life doing the things that I feel I need at that time, I do not know how to make the decisions for the long term, because everything is changing.
“Time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively…we must use time creatively, in the knowledge that time is always ripe to do right” Martin Luther King
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)