Invisibility

I talk and no one listens.  Did you know I had an interview today? Did you know that I had a test this morning? Did you know I met with 4 professors on the Sustainability committee today? Did you know that I hosted a film screening tonight? There were 16 people there, including 4 from our club and 2 professors. At the end of the film, there was 7 people, 2 were from the faculty and four from our club. None of those people were you, yet I go to support you in what you do. Did you know that my parents were out of the country this week? Did you know I was extremely worried about them yesterday when I was traveling? Did you know I got an interview for Habitat for Humanity? Did you know that I still have two more exams this week? Did you know that I am not going home Friday when you all go home? Do you care?

Sometimes everyone messes up, but isn't that all in life's lessons? Do we not become a better person with each mistake that we recover from? Do we not build ourselves up stronger and better every time we fall? I do, every-time I make a mistake, I grow and become better as a result.

Today I had a job interview, I thought they would ask me some of the typical interview questions; what are your strengths, weaknesses....etc. And you know what, I couldn't think of a true weakness. I believe my weaknesses are my strengths, when I mess up, I become better because of those experiences. I would not be strong had I not once needed strength. I would not be smart had I once not needed to know the answer. I would not have friends had I not once learned what its like to be lonely. I would not sleep if I never once felt tired. I would not dream had I ever not been restricted. I would not be the person I am today had I not ever needed to acquire the skills and habits that I have without first making mistakes and needing those skills. Our human race would not do the things it does now or believe in the things which it does, had it not faced difficulty and found need. So we all make mistakes, we are not perfect.

"Good Judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement"

"Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it"

"If I could go back in time and change all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it made me who I am today"

"It isn't the problem along the way that makes us or breaks us. It is how we learn to stand and face them that makes the difference."

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret."

"Its better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life."

Don't put a period where God put a comma. 


Don't give up on something, end something, or lose faith just because things seem to be taking a lapse. Have faith, prevail, and push through because there is always something more. You can always forgive, you can always move on, you can always succeed. The only thing you cannot re-do is live. 

Drifting Away

What can I say, I don't know where things could have gone. We definitely were very close but it just wasn't the right time. Now you seem to ignore me most of the days, I am not sure if its because it hurts, because you are trying to keep your distance or because you are trying to protect yourself. It hurts to see the people around you who have replaced me, I feel like our friendship is put in the backseat for some reason or another. My mistakes are always so hard for you to look past or forgive, but I am not invincible, you should know that. We helped each other through some rough times, so its hard to believe that we are living our lives in parallel now. Doing the same things, but with different people, would it not be easier to just be back to normal again. I don't know why we are acting so awkward now, because if I had it my way, we'd be back to normal. Seems like these days, the people I introduced you to mean more than I do, I was just a ramp to get to them. I wish you just made some effort to see me or make plans with me like we used to, because knowing you cared about our friendship is what I would love to see. I don't care who your with or who you hang out with, I only wish that I didn't get left behind. I always get strange looks and avoidance. I miss the "hello," I miss the hug, I miss you asking how my day was and hearing about yours....I liked having a friend who I knew would be there and understand me, I just liked feeling valued. I liked that you laughed at my jokes and that I could cheer you up, and I liked that you could do the same. I guess that is why it hurts so much now when you don't even say hi when you walk by me or when I am around you. Its like I am invisible, and going from friendship to invisible makes me feel like I am not good enough for your effort. But why?

Silence can be so loud

So I am back at school and its taken some adjustment, but I finally feel at home. Everything seemed to fall back in place. New friendships and old, mutual civil relationships, and just some mutual ignorances, however, all was well. I begin to feel like QU was a family again.

The problem comes when everyone decides to get involved in everything
the problem comes when people can't tackle things head on
the problem comes when people put themselves in situations they shouldn't (this does not exclude me)
the problem comes when people almost give in to temptations
the problem comes when people make mountains out of molehills
the problem comes when people start to infer
the problem comes when people are misinterpreted
the problem comes when life becomes a giant game of telephone
the problem comes when people talk to people who are not involved in the problems
the problem comes when people drink
the problem comes when people talk
the problem comes when you let your life be an open book and there are people out there who want to tear it up
the problem comes when you are not paying attention to the eggs and you set off the fire alarm
the problem comes when everyone hears it indirectly
the problem comes when people lie
the problem comes when people take sides
the problem comes when everything happens at once
the problem comes when people don't play nice
the problem comes with jealousy
the problem comes with life
the problems come with your life
the problems come with my life
....WHY?

The more you think about it...the more you will be influenced by it...

There are things in life you naturally let go, or I naturally let go, because I know that life is a give and take, and sometimes you have to understand you are not the number one priority or that life happens and shit happens. Sometimes I get very caught up though, on what should bother me, which makes me realize that it means these things do bother me somewhat---or maybe I just like to make myself miserable and like to attack the things which bother or could bother me. 

Exhibit A: 

I go for a weekend with my boyfriend. He promises me some special alone time yet I understand the majority of the time will be spent as a group. Life happens and we don't have the alone time I thought we would. I have really strong feelings and I am so happy to be there but I just keep getting let down, not just because I do not get alone time, but mostly because I feel like he forgot that he told me we would have that time. Not because I needed it but because the fact that he promised me that time made me feel special, and that it was ignored, made the special reverse itself. 

 

I think maybe the fact of the matter is that what is important to me is not the things that people do or do not do for me, but if someone says they will do something for me and they do not, even if I want to let it go and be chill about it, I am not able to because I am disappointed--and as much as I want to say "this is stupid Amelia," I cannot shake it, because the more I think about it, the more downhill my mood goes--or rather, there is a decrease in excitement. 

I wish I didn't get disappointed like this, but the fact of the matter is, your word is your word, if you are not true to it, its going to eat at me. If you make me feel special by saying you will do something for me, follow through. Its not that I really need you to do that specific thing, but its the fact that I feel neglected if you fail to do it or to at least show concern for it. 

Please Don't Make Me Feel Like its My Fault

Please don't come in, please dont sit down, no no please don't take off your shoes, please don't get comfortable, please don't stay--I am afraid you won't leave.

Its not that I don't love you, Its not that I don't appreciate you--its just I've grown. Its just that I do not want to be babied, I don't want to be touched, I don't need to sit in your lap right now. I know it seems like I only need you when I am upset but people grow older and they don't need as much help. When I need you I know you are there to help, but don't get mad if I don't need help.

When you help too much and control too much then I start to fear it. I start  to look for ways to block it. The attention--I just don't want it anymore. I shouldn't need to be a baby to show you I appreciate you or I love you.

Thing is....I shouldn't have to walk around on my tippy-toes trying to avoid upsetting you or jump around trying to prevent something which will upset you. I just need a little bit of space. Hopefully you will forget tomorrow that you were walking around tonight. Hopefully tomorrow you will forget you kept getting out of bed and you had been home for at least 30 minutes and were still in your dress after going to bed. Hopefully you forget tomorrow the door slamming and scaring the living daylights out of me. Hopefully tomorrow you will forget wandering into the hallway and coming into my room (after I had been secretly praying you wouldnt because I was just ready to be in my space and relax not because I do not love you because I wasn't in the mood and everyone is entitled to that) and being upset because I was confused as to why you were still up and because I was not in the mood to figure out what the proper response to your statements was. "Your toes look nice" "thanks" what else is there to say? It is 11pm and I am exhausted and you are acting different. Hopefully you forget, or maybe you forgot already, or maybe you won't...I dont know...and  Im not sure I care because I am not sure it matters.

I just don't want you to get upset for little things that you shouldn't. I just want you to stop taking it personally when I am just living my life, you have another life too and I am entitled to my own as well.

What do you do when....

...you are ready to walk, when you know that what you've got is the best there will ever be for you...when the impossible becomes your reality.

I played around with the idea of being single for a long time after my last breakup. This, this just happened, how, I have no clue, alright maybe a small idea of how. I wanted to be strong, independent and carefree but somehow I love this. I love being his, I love being in his arms, on his arm, holding his hand, on his lap, on his back, in his lap, and in his life.

Its a scary thing when you have someone's heart in your hands because you know the more you open up to him, the more he opens up to you, and the more it will hurt if something happens. But if you're both happy, then its perfect, I am happy.

Is it weird I never really dreamed of my wedding, as a kid I mean; everyone thinks that every little girl is dreaming of that day forever and ever, but I don't think I have ever done it more than now. A beautiful dress, my family, his family, and a beautiful future....I know I can't rush things but its wonderful to dream-- it is a wonderful dream.

I am scared
I am happy
I am in love

Winning Essay for Undergraduate Community Service Contest: Self Growth and Empowerment Gained Through My Community Service

Self Empowerment and Self Growth Gained Through My Community Service

Amelia Houghton

Quinnipiac University

           Many people think that community service is about offering your help to people less fortunate than you; I believe this view is ignorant. Community Service is not about helping others; it’s about investing in others and investing in the greater benefit of our entire community. I participate in community service believing that the people around me are worth no less than I am and that I am no better than they are. In fact, perhaps the people I help are better off than me, because they are continuing to build up their lives every day. My future remains unknown, as my life could fall to shambles and be without a home or food. Their commitment to make the best of their situation and desire to make their lives better is incredible. Community Service is about assisting others and allowing yourself to open up to them. It requires a unbiased attitude and the rewards include self-growth, self-knowledge, and emotional satisfaction. Community Service is not about helping others; it is about empowering, investing in, and learning about yourself and others.

                Before Quinnipiac University, I was involved in Girl Scouting and also in small community service projects through this work. The community service I have done at Quinnipiac University was a bridge for my own realization of a passion and growth which I possess.  At Quinnipiac University I joined the program, Lives of Commitment, for freshman students. Three girls and I attend volunteer service each week in Wallingford, CT at Master’s Manna, a diaper bank, food pantry, clothing center and soup kitchen. While working at Master’s Manna, I have learned that you are not simply providing the clients with food; you are allowing them to maintain some aspect of dignity. One of my favorite jobs at Master’s Manna is working as an escort, a person who works in the food pantry. When we stock the shelves, we try to make the shelves look very organized and like a real supermarket. At the food bank, we are not just allowing the clients to provide food for their family but we are giving them the sense of actually shopping in a supermarket. The clients receive food no matter how the shelves look, but we are not only giving them food, we are allowing them to maintain pride. The act of the service is not only a short-term food supply to the less fortunate but instead a long-term preservation of self-esteem. In addition to targeting the issues of poverty, food shortages and health issues, at Master’s Manna I am also targeting the maintenance of morale, esteem, and pride in the clients.

                My service has benefitted individuals, an organization, and myself physically and emotionally. Many people believe the purpose of service is to simply help; however true service teaches you about yourself and pushes you to realize more about yourself. Superficially, my community service allows me to help others, to give them food, clothing, and diapers.  When truly analyzed, my service is about being supportive of the clients as well as receiving support from them. An Aboriginal Activist Group from Queensland once said “If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” Service for me has been a give and take process; everyone needs something and everyone has something to learn. If you go to service and put yourself above all the others, you will miss the opportunity to also receive.

 In my service I have met many people, but one woman who I first met in my fourth week of service has touched me in particular. I am unsure of her name, but I do know she is involved with the church and she is attempting to get a degree working with computers. Every week I look forward to seeing her and we have become close friends. Her embrace is like a mother’s embrace, I can feel how much she cares for me and appreciates me, simply because I talk to her about her life and share my life with her. While I was going through a difficult time as my grandmother was passing away, I reached out to her and told her about it. Through this, I gained a relationship and support and she was empowered. Every week she is here for me with a hug and a kiss, with support and a priceless gift. The fifteen minutes I spend with her each week, are special and valuable to me. This is what community service is about, identifying with and bonding with others, coming together and helping each other.

Community service is about empowering others and empowering yourself. For me, my service is empowering, and I enjoy jumping in and helping the minute I get to service. At Master’s Manna, there are purple volunteer t-shirts which are only given to those volunteers which have “earned” their shirt. Before spring break, I opted to stay at Quinnipiac that Friday night so that I could attend service that night. When I walked into service, the other volunteers were all pleasantly surprised because they did not expect my service that night. That night, I worked at the table in the food pantry, portioning out the meat and frozen goods to different families. Even though this job is busy and stressful, I enjoy it. When I see that something is in low supply, I refill it. I never noticed my work ethic or my insight as something extraordinary. At the end of the night, Bob, one of the men in charge came to me with some of the other volunteers and they brought me a purple shirt. They told me that some of the volunteers had come to him and had many good things to say about my reliability and work habits. They were impressed because this is rare in their volunteers who usually come to complete service hours. I never realized I had so much to offer to the organization until then. Community service is not just about helping others, it helps you; I would not have realized how extraordinary my actions could be without my service.

Although service can prevent challenges and roadblocks, the rewards outweigh the challenges when you embrace the service. It is difficult to go into a soup kitchen and food pantry and not feel even a little guilty for all you have been provided for in life. I came from a somewhat wealthy town in Massachusetts and I am attending college. For me, it is somewhat difficult not to wonder how some people get so lucky. Everyone needs help, and even if you cannot change the world in one day, you can make a difference little by little. I am very fond of the tale of the starfish where a boy was walking with his father on a beach and threw starfish which had washed up on the shore back into the ocean one by one. When the boy’s father told him he couldn’t make a difference, the boy picked up one more starfish and said “it will make a difference to that one” (Eisely). I think the meaning of this story, that you can make a difference with every action, is reflected in my service. I cannot give each person a job, a home, and enough food for their lifetime, but I can provide them with hope, support, and motivation. My group did a can drive for the good pantry, although we only donated six hours of our time, we collected over $100 and at least four huge boxes of non-perishables. Although we cannot end the hunger, we can reduce it. The service has taught me that I can make a difference despite differences in lifestyles, communities and cultures. I learned that the smallest effort and time donation and support can mean the world to others and also be beneficial to myself.

Community Service is about empowering, investing in, and learning about yourself and others, not simply about “helping the less fortunate.” My service helps reduce hunger and aid the impoverished by making necessary goods and services accessible to them, but it also provides support, relationships and emotional aid. Although service requires a significant amount of effort, it has allowed me to learn about another realm of living and has allowed me to give and gain support. I have learned about my extraordinary perseverance, communication skills, and work ethic—and that even though I am only one eighteen year old college student, the application of these characteristics can truly make a difference. Through my community service at Quinnipiac University, I have learned that service is a valuable component of my life and that it not only requires you to give but it teaches you how to receive.  I now better understand the saying that it is in giving that you receive.

Cited:

Eisley, Loren. "THE STARFISH STORY." Starrbrite.com. Web. 29 Mar. 2011. <http://www.starrbrite.com/starfish.html>.

Lost

How am I supposed to choose between my best guy friend and the guy I've fallen for? Yes he was his friend, I admit thats a little messed up, but he encouraged it, and didn't seem to show he had a huge issue with us talking. I never meant to upset my friend, but I can't really help how I feel or interact with a specific person. I feel like I'm screwed now.
(a) I choose my best friend over my new interest: he probably won't be too accepting of me at this point and then I lose something thats really making me happy and someone I have really great chemistry with
(b) I choose my new interest over my best friend: I could mess up their friendship and my friendship is definitely lost which will make it awkward if something comes out of this and they live together and I could lose all my guy friends with him. (Hopefully he will chill out---but he can be kinda stubborn)
(c) I choose neither and go lay in the middle of the quad by myself trying to figure out how I managed to screw things up so much
             maybe hoping someone would come
                       but not sure how good that would be, because then I have to make a decision
             and if not, then I lost a couple of my best friends here
                       the ones I was so happy to have and valued so much

"What does it take to make  a journey? A place to start, something to leave behind...we might imagine a journey with no destination, nothing but the act of going, and with never an arrival. But I think we would always hope to find something or someone, however unexpected and unprepared for" (John Haines)

Maybe I need to go on a journey now. Starting walking out of my dorm right now, leaving behind these relations I've developed and been so strengthened by---I have no idea where I will go or where I will end up---but maybe a journey is what I need. Yes I would always hope to find something or someone. But I always mess everything up-- or so it seems.

I don't want to give this up--It will be very painful
I don't want to lose my friend--It will be extremely painful

Faith

I find that I usually slack in my giving up of something during lent and half-ass things. Since I returned from winter break, Ive been slacking off going to church and I want to take this chance to get back closer to the church again. Today is ash wednesday, I am going to go to confession and also to mass to get ashes and starting today I am giving up facebook for lent. The next 40 days might be hard, but I think it will be a really meaningful sacrifice. After spring break I want to be more productive, remember
to go to mass on sundays, go to the gym and eat healthier…I guess these are my lent resolutions. In my sacrifice and in my self denial-- I hope to think to God and remember to pray for people are so reliant on things which are way less important than faith. I want to pray for all the people who go to confession and go to get ashes. I want to pray for those who go to mass every week, just today, or not at all. I pray for those who are ignorant. I pray for those who choose to be agressive. I pray for those who choose to be assertive. I pray for those who chose to poke fun at or attack religious observation, for they do not understand their sins. I pray for those who do not understand, and those who do. But I would really like to  pray for those who do not believe. Faith has given me strength and comfort and power, and I pray for all that lack these. I still cannot believe there are people who do not at least know what ash wednesday is and I also pray that the people who choose to attack Catholics on this day realise the error of their ways.

"Pray For You"

Things were going great '˜til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you cant go hating others who have done wrong to you.
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn.
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them.

We must have the strength to forgive those who have tresspassed us and pray to the Lord to lead us away from temptations. We must free ourself of sin and strive to live a life closer to God. Praying each day for all God's people. Remembering that everyone makes mistakes and that each and every one of us are works in progress. To remember the story of the Lord, where the Sinner is loved more by God than those who act pious. We must remember to lead lives of faith and hope that others do the same.

Dancing in the Rain

February 28, 2011

My favorite thing in the world is my ability to laugh and to make other’s laugh. Experiencing and sharing happiness is what I have found to be the most valuable gift we have been given in this world.

Since the superbowl, I have been reminded how amazing the song "Where is the Love" by the black-eyed peas is and believe that everyone should take the time to listen to the lyrics and really consider this message.

My Ideals of Humanity

1. Laughter

2. Kindness

3. Love

4. Understanding

5. Respect

6. Compassion

7. Generousity

8. Responsibility

9. Friendship

10. Peace

11. Faith

12. Hope

13. Ability to Forgive

14. Ability to Endure

15. Ability to Succeed

Today I saw a quote which I think describes how I embrace life very well:

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain”

I believe It is only right for me to set goals for myself--because Heaven forbid I take life to seriously and waste time looking at the glass half empty and miss out on all the fun of life:

I, Amelia Houghton, want to be Optimistic when everyone else is pessimistic.

I, Amelia Houghton, will always lose sight of and challange the bounds of reality.

I, Amelia Houghton, embrace life for its ups and downs.

I, Amelia Houghton, will live for the little things as well as the big things in life.
I, Amelia Houghton, will laugh at myself
I, Amelia Houghton, will forgive myself and others
I, Amelia Houghton, will leave it all on the table with no regrets.
I, Amelia Houghton, will learn from my mistakes.

I, Amelia Houghton, will learn to dance in the rain.



I encourage anyone and everyone who may read this blog to challange themselves to be more optimistic and to set goals for themself so they do not take life too seriously.

When the lights of our civilization shine so brightly, we lose sight of how beautiful the stars really are

Upon reflection, I have discovered I am a bit more in touch with the natural world than many of my friends or peers. I consider myself a camp girl, no I do not claim to be ignorant to the products of our society and culture, I enjoy my i pod and social networking as much as any teen, however I do have an appreciation and respect for the world outside of mainstream society that I have been surprised to learn that many do not share. I believe in the equality of all things the whole notion of "for out of the ground we were taken as dust, and unto dust we shall return." I am not saying I do not feed off the commercialized products and food from our fellow animals, as humans, we have turned our cheek to the fellow-ship of animals--honoring them in zoos and in natural history museums, however it is how we are acustomed. We are so enveloped in society it is not possible to live free of culture and society-- but perhaps, dear world, we are traveling to far, to close to the stark realities which Darwin made possible in his writings, that we have taken a path too close to that of our relatives Adam and Eve, that perhaps we are making so much progress that we are losing sight of something very important. I agree with Thoreau--our great walker--who said that we shall not be at home just in our land which we own, but we should be"equally at home everywhere" that "no weath can buy the requisite leisure, freedom, and independence" (thoreau) which nature can provide for us. This natural earth, there is something about it, it has sustained us for so long, yet we cannot be quick enough to make it more and more artificial. And what will happen then? Thoreau also suggests that the "absolute freesom and wilderness [is] contrasted with a freesom and culture merely civil" (thoreau). Human culture and civilization is completely different than the natural world. The freedom we believe we are making for ourselves with our computers and technology is perhaps desensitizing us to the natural world which has supported us and been sustained for so long. The more knowledge we gain, the more insatiable we become when perhaps the most pure happiness exists where we are simply observers in the world, enjoying what is natural. I would give up my commericialized world to live at camp and in a "bubble" from the reality of culture in a heartbeat. The most beautiful times I have experienced have been when cut off from technology and from society. As humans are working harder and harder to improve life with advances we are destroying the balance in life and the gifts nature present to us. Thoreau states in his time that "all man's improvements...make it more and more cheap" (thoreau) and humans have only continued to create artifice and strive in a direction to make them the most advanced, most intelligent, most dominant species. We are striving close to Darwin's idea that people shall not reproduce if they will put their offspring at a disadvantage, and that things shall be ennineered for the good of the progress of humans as a species. But the further we get wrapped up in our artificial world, the more difficult it is to go back to the communion which lies burried underneath our dominion. The more we build our species up, the more we lose touch with the beauties of nature and being.Thoreau asked humans a question "When we walk, we naturally go to the fields and woods: what would become of us, if we walked only in a garden or mall" (Walking)? We have let Thoreau down, there are people who find their piece among the commercial centers, pacing under the bright lights and among the music and hustle of the world. If we walk in malls, we are infusing ourself with malls and allowing ourselves to be bound by society. While I love my trips to these places as much as any teen, you must stop and wonder where you are going and remain in touch with where we have been. Is the success for our species putting ourselves into an artificial isolation which we view as one of the elite beings of earth, or is it to be in bliss with the things around us? Luther Standing Bear offers an idea of what has happened to our culture in Nature, he talks about how when the white man came to the americas, he had such a different view than the natives. "The white man has put a distance between himself and nature; and assuming a lofty place in the scheme of the order of things, has lost for him both reverence and understanding" (Bear). In the 1930s, Bear knew of this tendency, and where society was heading. I do not think it is possible for us to abolish our progress, it is of human nature to continue to search and look for more--perhaps a curse remaining still from Adam and Eve who ate from the tree of knowledge, however, we cannot lose sight of the true value of our roots. We cannot let the lights of civilization shine so brightly that we can no longer see the beauty of the stars. I might not be able to succeed in being a complete naturalist, but I am a naturalist nevertheless in that I can see the flaws in society and I choose to try and better myself by keeping a connection still with the natural world. When I have been upset or lonely, I am one to go outside and lay by the creek under a tree and listen to the wind blow. Sometimes I wish that another person would have the sense to come find me and keep me company and then I realise that the strength I find in nature must be my company. When humans fail on me I shall always have the earth. Bear says that his native people "learned to sit or lie on the ground and become conscious of the life about us in its multitude of forms." We must know that life will be traveling in every direction, possibly we may become an advocate and try to stop the path of society, but for starters, we are each responsible to kindle the connection we have with the world above the responsibility to change the path of society. Why do you laugh when I say I went and sat under a tree looking at the sky for an hour? Is it that silly? The form of life you have connection with is not as broad as mine, and maybe one day you shall be able to kindle it, I hope for your sake, but to me, nature has a beauty and an awe which you must be a fool not to realise. I do not say go rid yourself of your posessions and live off the grid, simply, take the time to learn about nature and its beauty and then while tending to the many forms of your life, do not let one step over the other and block out the awe of the sun, stars, moon, and wind.

The Loner Tables

Is eating about meeting your needs or has it become a social exclusivity? Originally, cavemen, I assume, would come back with their prize kills and everyone would gather round and devour the food until it was gone, however, somewhere along the way it got more civil, and possibly more exclusive? Why is it that no one walks into a restaurant and eats alone? Sure maybe a panera or subway you might, but generally, we feel obligated to take our food somewhere where we are out of the lights of others when we are alone. In a childish way, we almost fear the feeling of walking into the densely packed cafeteria at lunchtime by ourselves. You always notice the person who is eating alone and feel bad. It doesn't mean they don't have any friends. I guess it is somewhat more acceptable for breakfast, and also more acceptable when you have something to look at or work on, so you look like you're doing something. I figured that this would be a very lonely dinner today, sitting by myself eating, because as it seems there are many who plan special meals with others, exclusive to themselves. Dare me not encroach upon a friend and her friend upon a meal out of fear that I am ruining their plans. So as it turns out, human reaction is to take away to somewhere where others cannot judge you, first human instinct. The upstairs cafe has become a less formal library and also the home of the lone, the area designated for the person who had the misfortune of having a class at the time most of their friends went to eat or the person who simply has no patience to walk back to their room and find someone who would like to come eat with them. It turns out there are a lot of loners, they all act busy, yes, its something they need to do, but does it really need to take priority to the short meal? Probably not. Its comfort, you are away from the judgemental eye of groups, and free from the judgement of others.

We are motivated by comfort, by emotions, by touch, by happy and sad and angry. We are motivated by the serotonin and acedylcholine in our brains passing through the synapses in our brain. People are always watching us, you walk into your class, everyone is already in their seats, how the hell did they all get there so quickly?? You don't realise that the professor has stepped out of the room, perhaps to fix her hair (or wig) or perhaps to grab a coffee or sip of water, but there is a handout on the front table, which maybe completely necessary for your understanding of the course, the class, or another aspect of you education and being, but no one tells you. As the teacher begins class, you realise you never picked up this essential piece of information. Do you walk up in front of the class or do you sit and hope it is not too important? Do you wait until the end of class and ask the professor for one privately or do you silently agree to yourself that you will photocopy your friend's later? I think these little things are the small accomplishments or compromises which define your very person. I walked up in front of the class and took the packet and sat back down. Turns out, there was no sign on my back, or at least not one that I found, there was no unsightly stain on my jeans, the world did not end, class went on, and I, Amelia Houghton, had my essential packet for psychology. Maybe in the past I would have waited, but why compromise yourself because you are in the face of others. At the end of the day, it is you who will either succeed or fail.

Why has life become a game of avoiding the mocking of others and of finding things to share with others. Why is it necessary to point out the one girl who showed up to the assembly late and cannot find her friends. She is trying at least, and once she sits down, she will be with her friends and accomplished, perhaps she just returned to campus after waiting at the hospital for the results of her father's open heart surgery. Who are we to judge her? People sometimes get caught up in watching the world around them go, when truly they should be sharing in the world as much as anyone else. People watching is a favorite pastime of mine, it intrigues me to watch people and the things that they do. Currently there is a guy, work boots, light wash jeans, red, black and grey ski coat and glasses who is leaning against a wall in the middle of the cafe where people get the food, he is on the phone, he doesn't feel uncomfortable, from what I can tell, so who am I to wonder why he does not walk outside or somewhere more private to take the call? He was waiting for his friend to get food, neither he or his friend will eat alone.

Why must we pass judgement about others? Why must we judge them and their ways, why is it fun to make fun of their faults. Hey its okay if you don't know how to work a humidifier or you think that its going to squirt water everywhere, its okay if you dont know how to pronounce the word vigilence when you are asked to read out loud, its okay if you forgot about someone's birthday. Its okay if you are stubborn and you keep hoping life will turn out like a fairytale, its okay to hope for your prince, its okay to make wishes on eyelashes, its okay to hope for things. Life is about trial and error, you learn, how will you learn if you dont ever try, we learn from mistakes, so mistakes will be made. But we must keep hope, without hope, there is nothing. We must live for the purporse of life itself, that although life might come down on us heavily at times, we must live knowing there are better times. Living for the mystery, living for the good times, living to learn from the bad times, Living, Loving, Hoping, Learning.

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
— Nicholas Sparks

 

Live life doing the things which you want to define you. When you look at your life story, dont have regrets, cross bridges when you come to them, but don't burn them, look at everyday like you're a hero in a comic book and show compassion even when others show disdain.

Weight Of The World

Why does it seem like I hold the weight of the world on my shoulders? I build people up only to tear them down. I dont do it on purpose, I just get scared, I dont trust that I am ready to be everything people want me to be. I love you. I love the world. I just don't know where I fit into it. Sometimes, most of the time, Id rather be hurt than to hurt others. I would rather not understand other people's actions than not to understand myself. But I don't understand myself. I'm a mystery to myself. Even though sometimes I feel happy or confident or important, there always comes a time where I feel defeted and where I feel like I built up everything only to tear it down because I am unstable in myself. When I was walking, I felt every footstep, I felt the weight of my whole body and all the air above me pushing down on everypart of my foot. I was walking on the ice, the stuff you used to walk on as a kid, the crunchy kind that you try to crush and break up, but i just wasnt breaking it.

I have highs and lows, and usually I rest somewhere in the middle. I am pretty lucky that I dont stick in the lows everyday, but sometimes I wish I could just stay in that bubble sometimes. The bubble where everything feels alright. That bubble where I am cuddling next to you so perfectly and my body just fits perfectly next to yours, cuddled up against you, the happiness that I feel then, when there are no temptations where there is nothing else to worry about, just you and me. When we can fall into nice warm sticky kisses and everything is a fairy tale. Everything about you is good, your skin is so soft, your lips are so perfect against mine, your eyes are beautifully smiling-- and that smell, even if you just ran or shoveled the driveway, you smell good. Sometimes I really wish I could just live out on a boat, nothing but the warm sun, the cool ocean, the fish, you, me, and God. I mean I guess there will always be days where the sun burns or the ocean swells, or the sharks come out to feed on the fish; but at least I would be stuck with me. There are too many choices in life, how can you ever be sure that you are going down the right path? What is the right path? What is wrong with me? Why dont people think of me when they think of their best friend? Why isnt there anyone who would call me in a crashing plane? Why do you have to cause hurt? Maybe I should give up on finding people who make me happy? Maybe I should just help people but never get involved.

I came across the text in black by happenstance the other day and found it on xanga titled "I live for the nights i can't remember with the people Ill never forget"

We tend to fall in love the same way we get sick;
without wanting to, without believing it,
against our will & unable to defend ourselves.
And then we lose love exactly the same way.

Sometimes, deep down, we know that its not time to fall in love or that maybe we're not ready to put our whole heart into it, but it just happens. We don't believe it. And then something happens, and you just stop trusting yourself, and as much as you want to put all you have into it, something is holding you back. Its inexplainable, you want so much to be able to just tell your brain to makeup its mind and settle, but you just cant feel okay, its too much pressure. Its fight or flight and you dont want to fight so you run away, you dont want to risk hurting anything that you know you could really be happy with.

Always tell someone how
you feel. Even if it's hard.
Because opportunities are lost in
 the blink of an eye but regret
can last for a lifetime.

 Once I heard that you should never regret anything because at the time, its exactly what you wanted. And it sucks, because how the hell do you know why you want anything or dont want something? I dont want to lose an opportunity but I dont want to live when Im not 100%.

we're not perfect.
we laugh too hard. we are way to loud.
and we make complete fools of ourselves,
but doing it together is what
makes us best friends.

False, You can neve ever laugh to hard, ever. If we could just laugh forever, everything would be alright. Life is about making a complete fool of yourself.

drink to all that we have lost
mistakes that we have made
everything will change
love remains the same

 You cant take life to serious, because its not going to last forever, its fragile and it is not timless. You need to take every step knowing that its going somewhere (but it worries me that I dont know where) and you need to take every drink knowing that there are people places who cannot take that drink. Love will never leave, no matter who you love and what happens, the love will always stick with you. Always. It may be placed aside for a while, but it will always come back if you let it.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.
And maybe we'll never know most of them.
But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,
we can still choose where we go from there.
We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

 It is definitely true that we will never know why we are who we are or why we feel the way we feel, and i may be pessimistic, but even if you can choose where we go, how can we chose how we feel about them. How can we make ourselves feel so okay when the world is so confusing and full of changes and issues.

And when you kissed me that night, I couldn't help but think...
this is exactly what I have waited for my whole life.

Have you ever really cried for someonemore than you wanted to?
Have you ever tried to love him in spite of all the pain?

 You cannot cry for someone too much, everyone is worth every tear you could ever shed, we are all God's children. Everyday, I would rather love through pain than to not love at all.

i'm feeling it coming over me
with you it all comes naturally
i've lost the reflex to resist
and i could get used to this

Love like this it exists, how would I ever know if it lasts? But I know I have been able to find the person who matches like a puzzle piece to mine, I have meet the person who I can feel comfortable in front of, who I dont have to hide anything from.

 it doesn't matter where you go in life
it's who you have beside you.

every time i try to talk to you
i get tongue-tied
turns out everything i say
to you comes out wrong and
never comes out right

When will someone understand when I say things wrong? When will the things I say be right? When will I know what is right and feel what is right?

you're waiting for someone to put you together
you're waiting for someone to push you away
there's always another wound to discover
there's always something more you wish he'd say

 Im living life like seaweed, I want people to like me, I want to make people better, I want to be with someone but I dont know what to do when I get that far. Im always waiting to be pulled in and pushed away and when im not pushed away I dont knowwhat to do.

if you love something, set it free.
if it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with

 Its true, But you cant always set people free without there being hard feelings and that hurts on my part, to try and set things free so things can be better in the future but it hurts to feel alone and to not be able to be that person you want to be so badly, right at that moment.

Goodbyes make you think.
Theymake you realize what you have,
what you've lost,
& what you've taken for granted

 True

·         You're tripping on what's in front of you
because you keep looking behind you.

 Every Step taken forward, can easily be set back. How do you stop looking behind you and around you and only focus on what is in front of you

she  misses the lips that
made her fly.

She misses letting the lips make her fly

i mean maybe i would love to go back to those days,
but then again i wouldn’t. because if it meant having
to lose you all over again, i’m not sure i could handle
that. not again. 

I dont want to risk hurting you again because you mean so much

I dont even know how to address this, I guess it explains so many feelings a person could feel. I try so hard to have an impact, to feel, to be there, to make everything okay for other people, so why do I have such a hard time letting other people be there for me and make everything okay? Im sorry this is a wishy-washy post, but its a wishy-washy time in my life. I dont know who I am, where I am going or what I feel. Im not in control, I wish I could be. I wish I could be in that bubble again, where everything would be A-Okay.

You always make me smile, the things you do matter more than you will ever understand, and no matter what, you mean more to me than you will ever know. Remember that.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

So I have been meaning to reflect upon 2010 and embrace the new year; making some insightful resolutions and conclusions, however this task is quite daunting. So I did some research and found a list of questions to promt reflection upon my year.

"In order to embrace the new we must release the old. A trapeze artist cannot swing from one bar to another without letting go. An important part of preparing for a New Year is to review the past year--to release it--and to learn from it." http://www.positivepath.net/ideasMA17.asp

1. What did I learn? (Skills, knowledge, awareness', etc.)
I believe that I learned a lot from my transition from high school to college. I have learned that in high school  and k-12 a lot of the methods seem very silly now: hall passes, gym class, cell phone rules, no gum, etc; however they were neccessary to keep all of us kids tame enough to teach us important skills, such as learning how to memorize, learning how to study, learning to be responsible and prioritize, learning to make the time to do homework and study--organizing time; which would not have been possible without all these, now silly-seeming rules. I also learned about friends, I think that it was surprising how many people fell out of my life once I got to college and also suprising which ones I chose to keep in it. The friends that I associated socially as my friends, I really dont talk to anymore, but the ones who I saw less often in school but who I confided in and saw outside of school became closer and more valuable to me. I have found very solidly that: Caitlin Marino, Hannah Sullivan, Kristin Carlson, Maddie Collins, Becca Varney.... have become the people back home who I will pick up and call right away when I have something to talk about. However I have also seen people who I have been close with in the past try to reach to me: Bonne, Alyssa, who I maybe need to reach back to a little more. These people have tried to be there for me and I need to be there for them as well.

2. What did I accomplish? (List of my wins and achievements.)
1. Placed in the all around at nationals for gymnastics
2. Graduated from Longmeadow High School
3. Got into every college I applied to including my reach school (Boston University, Springfield College, Sacred Heart University, Quinnipiac University)
4. Completed my first semester in college with all As and Bs

3. What would I have done differently? Why?
If I could go back and time and change some things I would...
1. have analyzed my feelings about relationships more carefully and been less reckless about commitments
2. Have taken my commitments in gymnastics more seriously, tried harder, earlier
3. Put more importance in visiting my grandmother before college

4. What did I complete or release? What still feels incomplete to me?
I ended many chapters of my life.
I completed high school, so the friendships and people relating to it have become a much less significant part of my life.   
I ended a 2.5 year relationship, which means an end to a whole network of relationships and activities.
I completed my final gymnastics meet and dance recital.
I released my grandmother to heaven.
I completed my final year in girl scouting.
I completed my last year living at home, meaning that my place in the family needs to change.

I am not to sure what feels incomplete, if I had to come up with some things, they would be the following:
1. Finding an exercise/diet plan which I can commit to
2. Figuring out my expectations of my future/determining a path for the future which motivates me
3. Organizing my room at home and condensing the amount of things I have there.
4. Reaching back to some friends from high school who I may be on the borderline of losing

5. What were the most significant events of the year past? List the top three.
   1. Graduation
   2. Beginning College
   3. Relationship Status Change

6. What did I do right? What do I feel especially good about? What was your greatest contribution?
I believe that I made a solid decision about myself needing time to change and experiment in my life. I feel especially good about becoming an advocate for myself and my feelings in my past relationship and in my friendships. I am becoming very open about being the person that I want to be and letting others choose how they feel about it. I think that I have been trying to show people who I am and also show people how much they mean to me. I think my greatest contribution was kindling a great relationship to my grandmother before her passing because I believe that would have been a life-long regret for myself if I was not able to get close to her and gain this relationship. Another contribution was getting close to the church at school, and although I believe I need to improve the relationship I have with Christianity outside of the church, however I feel very good about my self-motivation towards going to mass in school.

7. What were the fun things I did? What were the things that were not fun?
-FUN: Going to Disney, Jamaica, Spain, and Switzerland
-FUN: My first semester at Quinnipiac University
-NOT SO FUN: stupid fights with family and friends
-NOT SO FUN: post-break up depression

8. What were my biggest challenges, roadblocks or difficulties?
I think that I was so set on getting to college and getting to be independent that I was not appreciating some of the things around me, so when it came time to leave these things behind, I was very scared and it put a lot of pressure on me to figure out my plans for the future and also to find my place in college right away. Another challange was that while everything in my life was changing, including my breakup, I realised I wasnt surrounded by all of the support I had at home and this made the transition very difficult for me but also made me realise how important it was to appreciate the new things around me.

9. How am I different this year than last?
I am a college student, more independent, not living at home
I am more in-tune with myself, I am trying to analyze myself and i have become a greater advocate for how I feel.

10. For what am I particularly grateful
My loving family, who have supported me all through my life and contiunue to support me today
My mom--who loves me unconditionally, and shows me support: thanks for staying up with me until 2am when I felt confused and lonely, thankyou for driving to college to get me when I really needed you, thankyou for all your support and for always giving me the things I asked for. Thankyou for bringing me up, teaching me how to be independent, organised, motivated, and responsible. Thankyou for keeping me out of trouble and teaching me right from wrong. Thankyou for being my best friend
My dad- thankyou for always supporting me, even when it was something you didnt really understand. Thankyou for having patience with me when I am being moody or unreasonable. Thankyou for always taking care of me and being a loving father
My sister- thankyou for always loving me and looking up to me. thankyou for always helping me with the things i need and being there for me when I needed u there for me
My supportive friends--especially those of you who have been there for me when I especially needed it or when I really needed someone to reach out to me.
My cats-- I know this seems silly, but really, they always make me smile and are there for me when I need comforting, they really are some of my best friends too
Health, Safety, Laughter, Company, Knowledge, Good Times, Memories, Smiles
The opportunity to get closer to my grandmother
The opportunity to live life the way I have been acustomed: to be able to get a great education and feel safe
God--Thankyou for everything tangible and untangible; I love you