Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not have feelings? Feelings are truly what make us human. If we did not know sadness, joy and happiness and success would not feel as gratifying. But its those times when you feel like getting hit by a semi truck might feel better when I really wonder how nice it would be to not have feelings.

In general, I think I am overly emotional about most things and definitely way too analytical. For a while I thought I could never be happy with anyone because there was always something in the background telling me it wouldn't work, or maybe there is something better out there. I felt like I chronically screwed everyone else over because I would back out of relationships or wake up one day and realize I wasn't happy and needed to get out of the relationship. But lately, since I grew up a little bit, I realized that I need to try. Somehow when I made this decision I have chronically gotten the short end of everything. I don't mean to blame it on the other person, but somehow, I let myself trust people that hurt me in the end. I let myself believe that things were leading to a good place but they always left me heartbroken. Whether one day someone just decided to stop talking to me when a couple weeks before they said they never thought they could feel that way about someone or someone decides to take me out and make me feel special but then stop talking to me. Or theres that time when I fell hard and then it didn't work out because it was the wrong time in his life--that took quite some time to get over. And now, theres the time when I took my walls down and then someone completely rips the floor out from under my feet and I find out they've been talking to other girls and kissed another girl at the bar. Granted we "said" we were not committed and could talk to other people--but what you say and how you act is a bit different. Guys, please don't make a girl feel like she is your plan A, B and C if she is only your plan A and you have B, C, and god knows how many other girls lined up too. Guys should come with a freaking warning label, because sometimes they act like they want to be there for you and tell you they would never hurt you...and then they act confused when you get mad they've been talking to someone else all day every day.

When you said you couldn't hang out with me...was it because you wanted to hang out with other girls or was it because you didn't want to go that long without texting them?

When you told me we didn't have to do this and could just be friends...it wasn't because you were concerned about my feelings was it? It was to make yourself feel less guilty...to CYA for when I found out there were other girls

When you told me I was special and you liked me more than other girls and you didn't hook up with them...I guess you thought that texting someone to meet you at the bar and then kissing them was treating them like they were nothing special

I guess you can do anything you want when you're drunk...because thats a great excuse. Its weird because you told me you were honest when you were drunk...so if thats what you wanted when you are drunk...then by all means don't waste your time with me when you are sober if thats not what you want.

Don't tell me I am special, Don't tell me I am pretty, Don't tell me you like me or really like me or really really like me. Don't tell me you get sad when we don't talk for a little while. Don't tell me you'll never break my heart. Don't tell me you want to take me out and pay for me. Don't tell me you get jealous of other guys. Don't tell me you care. I would rather you didn't

Welcome to NC, we're certainly not in Connecticut anymore toto

Today was a great day, and somehow, even though yesterday's ride was three times longer, today was a much longer day. We did so much today and most importantly, finally got to North Carolina!!

We all cheered as we pulled into Camp Royall, our home away from home, for the next week. I think many of us were pleasantly surprised by how nice the camp is. There are soccer fields, frisbee golf, a pond with boats, two dining halls, a playground and more. We will be sharing camp with two other colleges working with habitat, Providence and University of New Hampshire. We got the opportunity to speak with some of the students from UNH and they were very friendly and I think many of us hope to spend some time meeting people from the other schools during our down time.

Another great thing we got to experience today was an orientation with David from Chatham Habitat when we first arrived. David was able to tell us about the area, the campsite, and the Chatham habitat. Some of the most valuable information he gave us included who we build and work for and also out value in habitat volunteer work. David told us that although habitat is commonly misconceived as a volunteer program which gives away houses to families for free, the families who receive the house must meet three main requirements: 1) they must be in need of a home 2) they must volunteer sweat equity or volunteer a required amount of hours through habitat and 3) the ability to pay for a non-interest mortgage. The other thing I really took away from his speech was that the collegiate challenge, the program through habitat which brings college students to work with habitat, has made one of te biggest impacts on the success of the chatham habitat. David really made us feel welcome in our new home and made us feel like what we are doing is something which really helps the habitat program.

Another couple highlights of the day include going to a fantastic BBQ resteraunt where we tried hush puppies and assorted fried foods, exploring mount chapel and the UNC campus, and shipping for groceries as a group. These activities were all a lot of fun and allowed us to bond with each other, an the grocery trip really challenged us all to become organized and work together.

Something really exciting tonight was the team's excitement for the reflection. In the discussion today, there was a lot of focus on getting know each other better and also getting to know the background that each of us came from. It was meaningful to discuss our pasts and then to discuss how the recipients of these houses are not just reviving simply shelter, but a home in which to have similar experiences and memories to those we have. I think that this point, that we are not building just shelter but memories, brought up by the reflection leaders Yessenia, Michelle, and Nicole, was a very inspiring and powerful image for the group. I enjoyed the discussions in reflection tonight a lot and I hope to have more of these. Meaningful discussions In our other reflections as well.

Finally, I think that the most valuable thing which happened to me today, even better than the hush puppies and fried okra, was a discussion I had in the grocery store checkout line with someone from the area. Imagine being at a relatively small grocery store on a Monday night and then you see twenty college students with at least seven carts full of food pull up to the register. I think that what you are imagining in your head right now, is exactly what the lady in front of me was thinking...what on earth is going on, and she was pretty clear in expressing that. I explained to her that we were a group of college students from Quinnipiac University in CT who came down to volunteer for Spring break with Habitat for Humanity. Her reaction was something I don't think I can ever quite explain exactly, as she put her hand on my shoulder, she said to me "why you guys are doing here is incredible! People give young people a bad reputation but we were all young once and there are a lot of you who are doing some really great and impressive things. I really want you to tell your group that what you are doing is incredible and has a huge impact on our community." I don't think anything on this trip will be close to as satisfying as hearing this woman thank us just for coming. We didn't build her a house, we hadn't worked with us, she had only just met me, but I think what she said had more impact on me than most things anyone has ever told me. Just coming down to help meant so much to her because we came down to help her community. To know that what we are doing makes such a difference, is not something that always ces with service, but hearing it from this total stranger will be something I will never forget.

Alternative Spring Break Trip to North Carolina for Habitat for Humanity

Yesterday we left Quinnipiac bright and early at 7am. There are 20 of us headed to North Calorlina in two white 15 passenger vans. The drive yesterday was around nine hours including stops which was surprisingly quicker than expected. We watched license plates, asked icebreaker questions from the packet in our "van survival guide kit," listened to the cds we all made for the trip and of course most of us did quite a bit of napping along the way. We traveled through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington DC, Maryland and Virginia. You definitely can't beat the gradually warmer weather each time we stopped.

We stayed at the best western in Richmond, well that was after we found out we had rooms there.... I'll explain: on the trip we have groups which lead a group reflection each night so we can all try and get to know each other better, discuss our experiences, and participate in planned activities and discussions led by other trip members. So, for yesterday's activities the group decided to have our group leaders tell us that the hotel was booked for the wrong night and that there was no where in the area for us to stay. We all tried to discuss ideas of what to do and as a group weconcluded we would get dinner and then continue south and call other hotels along the way until we found one we could stay at. Later they told us it was all just a jake and it was an activity to see how we would react to a change in plans and how we would come together as a group to solve the problem. So then we did some activities which included revealing some of our group member's fears about the trip and allowing us to see that we all share many of these fears.and that marked the end of the day and many of us got to bed pretty early after the long day. There is something about being in a van for 9 hours that is very tiring.

The beginning of our day started at 6, well for me because I got up and showered and we met up and packed the van at 7 (actually Brian and Tom did most of the van packing) and then went to the continental breakfast at the hotel. This was no ordinary continental breakfast and it definitely surpassed my expectations as they had a waffle maker which was exceptionally delicious when I was expecting cereal. And we also got a nice taste of the south with biscuits and gravy for breakfast, well some of us did, I stuck to my waffle :) and then with that we now start our day with a three hour trip to Pittsburo, North Carolina.

High: I think the most exciting part of this trip ao far has been going on the road with all the games, bonding, and music because I have meet gone I a huge road trip with a group of people my age before and it is really exciting!!! I am looking forward to everyone getting a lot closer because I think that we are already all starting to get to know each other and I am sure it's only going to get better from there--I guess thy is what a nine hour can ride will do for a group of people.

Low: trying to figure out where we could go for dinner with 20 people after a long day of travel.

Invisibility

I talk and no one listens.  Did you know I had an interview today? Did you know that I had a test this morning? Did you know I met with 4 professors on the Sustainability committee today? Did you know that I hosted a film screening tonight? There were 16 people there, including 4 from our club and 2 professors. At the end of the film, there was 7 people, 2 were from the faculty and four from our club. None of those people were you, yet I go to support you in what you do. Did you know that my parents were out of the country this week? Did you know I was extremely worried about them yesterday when I was traveling? Did you know I got an interview for Habitat for Humanity? Did you know that I still have two more exams this week? Did you know that I am not going home Friday when you all go home? Do you care?

Sometimes everyone messes up, but isn't that all in life's lessons? Do we not become a better person with each mistake that we recover from? Do we not build ourselves up stronger and better every time we fall? I do, every-time I make a mistake, I grow and become better as a result.

Today I had a job interview, I thought they would ask me some of the typical interview questions; what are your strengths, weaknesses....etc. And you know what, I couldn't think of a true weakness. I believe my weaknesses are my strengths, when I mess up, I become better because of those experiences. I would not be strong had I not once needed strength. I would not be smart had I once not needed to know the answer. I would not have friends had I not once learned what its like to be lonely. I would not sleep if I never once felt tired. I would not dream had I ever not been restricted. I would not be the person I am today had I not ever needed to acquire the skills and habits that I have without first making mistakes and needing those skills. Our human race would not do the things it does now or believe in the things which it does, had it not faced difficulty and found need. So we all make mistakes, we are not perfect.

"Good Judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement"

"Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it"

"If I could go back in time and change all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it made me who I am today"

"It isn't the problem along the way that makes us or breaks us. It is how we learn to stand and face them that makes the difference."

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret."

"Its better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life."

Don't put a period where God put a comma. 


Don't give up on something, end something, or lose faith just because things seem to be taking a lapse. Have faith, prevail, and push through because there is always something more. You can always forgive, you can always move on, you can always succeed. The only thing you cannot re-do is live. 

Drifting Away

What can I say, I don't know where things could have gone. We definitely were very close but it just wasn't the right time. Now you seem to ignore me most of the days, I am not sure if its because it hurts, because you are trying to keep your distance or because you are trying to protect yourself. It hurts to see the people around you who have replaced me, I feel like our friendship is put in the backseat for some reason or another. My mistakes are always so hard for you to look past or forgive, but I am not invincible, you should know that. We helped each other through some rough times, so its hard to believe that we are living our lives in parallel now. Doing the same things, but with different people, would it not be easier to just be back to normal again. I don't know why we are acting so awkward now, because if I had it my way, we'd be back to normal. Seems like these days, the people I introduced you to mean more than I do, I was just a ramp to get to them. I wish you just made some effort to see me or make plans with me like we used to, because knowing you cared about our friendship is what I would love to see. I don't care who your with or who you hang out with, I only wish that I didn't get left behind. I always get strange looks and avoidance. I miss the "hello," I miss the hug, I miss you asking how my day was and hearing about yours....I liked having a friend who I knew would be there and understand me, I just liked feeling valued. I liked that you laughed at my jokes and that I could cheer you up, and I liked that you could do the same. I guess that is why it hurts so much now when you don't even say hi when you walk by me or when I am around you. Its like I am invisible, and going from friendship to invisible makes me feel like I am not good enough for your effort. But why?

Silence can be so loud

So I am back at school and its taken some adjustment, but I finally feel at home. Everything seemed to fall back in place. New friendships and old, mutual civil relationships, and just some mutual ignorances, however, all was well. I begin to feel like QU was a family again.

The problem comes when everyone decides to get involved in everything
the problem comes when people can't tackle things head on
the problem comes when people put themselves in situations they shouldn't (this does not exclude me)
the problem comes when people almost give in to temptations
the problem comes when people make mountains out of molehills
the problem comes when people start to infer
the problem comes when people are misinterpreted
the problem comes when life becomes a giant game of telephone
the problem comes when people talk to people who are not involved in the problems
the problem comes when people drink
the problem comes when people talk
the problem comes when you let your life be an open book and there are people out there who want to tear it up
the problem comes when you are not paying attention to the eggs and you set off the fire alarm
the problem comes when everyone hears it indirectly
the problem comes when people lie
the problem comes when people take sides
the problem comes when everything happens at once
the problem comes when people don't play nice
the problem comes with jealousy
the problem comes with life
the problems come with your life
the problems come with my life
....WHY?

The more you think about it...the more you will be influenced by it...

There are things in life you naturally let go, or I naturally let go, because I know that life is a give and take, and sometimes you have to understand you are not the number one priority or that life happens and shit happens. Sometimes I get very caught up though, on what should bother me, which makes me realize that it means these things do bother me somewhat---or maybe I just like to make myself miserable and like to attack the things which bother or could bother me. 

Exhibit A: 

I go for a weekend with my boyfriend. He promises me some special alone time yet I understand the majority of the time will be spent as a group. Life happens and we don't have the alone time I thought we would. I have really strong feelings and I am so happy to be there but I just keep getting let down, not just because I do not get alone time, but mostly because I feel like he forgot that he told me we would have that time. Not because I needed it but because the fact that he promised me that time made me feel special, and that it was ignored, made the special reverse itself. 

 

I think maybe the fact of the matter is that what is important to me is not the things that people do or do not do for me, but if someone says they will do something for me and they do not, even if I want to let it go and be chill about it, I am not able to because I am disappointed--and as much as I want to say "this is stupid Amelia," I cannot shake it, because the more I think about it, the more downhill my mood goes--or rather, there is a decrease in excitement. 

I wish I didn't get disappointed like this, but the fact of the matter is, your word is your word, if you are not true to it, its going to eat at me. If you make me feel special by saying you will do something for me, follow through. Its not that I really need you to do that specific thing, but its the fact that I feel neglected if you fail to do it or to at least show concern for it. 

Please Don't Make Me Feel Like its My Fault

Please don't come in, please dont sit down, no no please don't take off your shoes, please don't get comfortable, please don't stay--I am afraid you won't leave.

Its not that I don't love you, Its not that I don't appreciate you--its just I've grown. Its just that I do not want to be babied, I don't want to be touched, I don't need to sit in your lap right now. I know it seems like I only need you when I am upset but people grow older and they don't need as much help. When I need you I know you are there to help, but don't get mad if I don't need help.

When you help too much and control too much then I start to fear it. I start  to look for ways to block it. The attention--I just don't want it anymore. I shouldn't need to be a baby to show you I appreciate you or I love you.

Thing is....I shouldn't have to walk around on my tippy-toes trying to avoid upsetting you or jump around trying to prevent something which will upset you. I just need a little bit of space. Hopefully you will forget tomorrow that you were walking around tonight. Hopefully tomorrow you will forget you kept getting out of bed and you had been home for at least 30 minutes and were still in your dress after going to bed. Hopefully you forget tomorrow the door slamming and scaring the living daylights out of me. Hopefully tomorrow you will forget wandering into the hallway and coming into my room (after I had been secretly praying you wouldnt because I was just ready to be in my space and relax not because I do not love you because I wasn't in the mood and everyone is entitled to that) and being upset because I was confused as to why you were still up and because I was not in the mood to figure out what the proper response to your statements was. "Your toes look nice" "thanks" what else is there to say? It is 11pm and I am exhausted and you are acting different. Hopefully you forget, or maybe you forgot already, or maybe you won't...I dont know...and  Im not sure I care because I am not sure it matters.

I just don't want you to get upset for little things that you shouldn't. I just want you to stop taking it personally when I am just living my life, you have another life too and I am entitled to my own as well.

What do you do when....

...you are ready to walk, when you know that what you've got is the best there will ever be for you...when the impossible becomes your reality.

I played around with the idea of being single for a long time after my last breakup. This, this just happened, how, I have no clue, alright maybe a small idea of how. I wanted to be strong, independent and carefree but somehow I love this. I love being his, I love being in his arms, on his arm, holding his hand, on his lap, on his back, in his lap, and in his life.

Its a scary thing when you have someone's heart in your hands because you know the more you open up to him, the more he opens up to you, and the more it will hurt if something happens. But if you're both happy, then its perfect, I am happy.

Is it weird I never really dreamed of my wedding, as a kid I mean; everyone thinks that every little girl is dreaming of that day forever and ever, but I don't think I have ever done it more than now. A beautiful dress, my family, his family, and a beautiful future....I know I can't rush things but its wonderful to dream-- it is a wonderful dream.

I am scared
I am happy
I am in love

Winning Essay for Undergraduate Community Service Contest: Self Growth and Empowerment Gained Through My Community Service

Self Empowerment and Self Growth Gained Through My Community Service

Amelia Houghton

Quinnipiac University

           Many people think that community service is about offering your help to people less fortunate than you; I believe this view is ignorant. Community Service is not about helping others; it’s about investing in others and investing in the greater benefit of our entire community. I participate in community service believing that the people around me are worth no less than I am and that I am no better than they are. In fact, perhaps the people I help are better off than me, because they are continuing to build up their lives every day. My future remains unknown, as my life could fall to shambles and be without a home or food. Their commitment to make the best of their situation and desire to make their lives better is incredible. Community Service is about assisting others and allowing yourself to open up to them. It requires a unbiased attitude and the rewards include self-growth, self-knowledge, and emotional satisfaction. Community Service is not about helping others; it is about empowering, investing in, and learning about yourself and others.

                Before Quinnipiac University, I was involved in Girl Scouting and also in small community service projects through this work. The community service I have done at Quinnipiac University was a bridge for my own realization of a passion and growth which I possess.  At Quinnipiac University I joined the program, Lives of Commitment, for freshman students. Three girls and I attend volunteer service each week in Wallingford, CT at Master’s Manna, a diaper bank, food pantry, clothing center and soup kitchen. While working at Master’s Manna, I have learned that you are not simply providing the clients with food; you are allowing them to maintain some aspect of dignity. One of my favorite jobs at Master’s Manna is working as an escort, a person who works in the food pantry. When we stock the shelves, we try to make the shelves look very organized and like a real supermarket. At the food bank, we are not just allowing the clients to provide food for their family but we are giving them the sense of actually shopping in a supermarket. The clients receive food no matter how the shelves look, but we are not only giving them food, we are allowing them to maintain pride. The act of the service is not only a short-term food supply to the less fortunate but instead a long-term preservation of self-esteem. In addition to targeting the issues of poverty, food shortages and health issues, at Master’s Manna I am also targeting the maintenance of morale, esteem, and pride in the clients.

                My service has benefitted individuals, an organization, and myself physically and emotionally. Many people believe the purpose of service is to simply help; however true service teaches you about yourself and pushes you to realize more about yourself. Superficially, my community service allows me to help others, to give them food, clothing, and diapers.  When truly analyzed, my service is about being supportive of the clients as well as receiving support from them. An Aboriginal Activist Group from Queensland once said “If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” Service for me has been a give and take process; everyone needs something and everyone has something to learn. If you go to service and put yourself above all the others, you will miss the opportunity to also receive.

 In my service I have met many people, but one woman who I first met in my fourth week of service has touched me in particular. I am unsure of her name, but I do know she is involved with the church and she is attempting to get a degree working with computers. Every week I look forward to seeing her and we have become close friends. Her embrace is like a mother’s embrace, I can feel how much she cares for me and appreciates me, simply because I talk to her about her life and share my life with her. While I was going through a difficult time as my grandmother was passing away, I reached out to her and told her about it. Through this, I gained a relationship and support and she was empowered. Every week she is here for me with a hug and a kiss, with support and a priceless gift. The fifteen minutes I spend with her each week, are special and valuable to me. This is what community service is about, identifying with and bonding with others, coming together and helping each other.

Community service is about empowering others and empowering yourself. For me, my service is empowering, and I enjoy jumping in and helping the minute I get to service. At Master’s Manna, there are purple volunteer t-shirts which are only given to those volunteers which have “earned” their shirt. Before spring break, I opted to stay at Quinnipiac that Friday night so that I could attend service that night. When I walked into service, the other volunteers were all pleasantly surprised because they did not expect my service that night. That night, I worked at the table in the food pantry, portioning out the meat and frozen goods to different families. Even though this job is busy and stressful, I enjoy it. When I see that something is in low supply, I refill it. I never noticed my work ethic or my insight as something extraordinary. At the end of the night, Bob, one of the men in charge came to me with some of the other volunteers and they brought me a purple shirt. They told me that some of the volunteers had come to him and had many good things to say about my reliability and work habits. They were impressed because this is rare in their volunteers who usually come to complete service hours. I never realized I had so much to offer to the organization until then. Community service is not just about helping others, it helps you; I would not have realized how extraordinary my actions could be without my service.

Although service can prevent challenges and roadblocks, the rewards outweigh the challenges when you embrace the service. It is difficult to go into a soup kitchen and food pantry and not feel even a little guilty for all you have been provided for in life. I came from a somewhat wealthy town in Massachusetts and I am attending college. For me, it is somewhat difficult not to wonder how some people get so lucky. Everyone needs help, and even if you cannot change the world in one day, you can make a difference little by little. I am very fond of the tale of the starfish where a boy was walking with his father on a beach and threw starfish which had washed up on the shore back into the ocean one by one. When the boy’s father told him he couldn’t make a difference, the boy picked up one more starfish and said “it will make a difference to that one” (Eisely). I think the meaning of this story, that you can make a difference with every action, is reflected in my service. I cannot give each person a job, a home, and enough food for their lifetime, but I can provide them with hope, support, and motivation. My group did a can drive for the good pantry, although we only donated six hours of our time, we collected over $100 and at least four huge boxes of non-perishables. Although we cannot end the hunger, we can reduce it. The service has taught me that I can make a difference despite differences in lifestyles, communities and cultures. I learned that the smallest effort and time donation and support can mean the world to others and also be beneficial to myself.

Community Service is about empowering, investing in, and learning about yourself and others, not simply about “helping the less fortunate.” My service helps reduce hunger and aid the impoverished by making necessary goods and services accessible to them, but it also provides support, relationships and emotional aid. Although service requires a significant amount of effort, it has allowed me to learn about another realm of living and has allowed me to give and gain support. I have learned about my extraordinary perseverance, communication skills, and work ethic—and that even though I am only one eighteen year old college student, the application of these characteristics can truly make a difference. Through my community service at Quinnipiac University, I have learned that service is a valuable component of my life and that it not only requires you to give but it teaches you how to receive.  I now better understand the saying that it is in giving that you receive.

Cited:

Eisley, Loren. "THE STARFISH STORY." Starrbrite.com. Web. 29 Mar. 2011. <http://www.starrbrite.com/starfish.html>.

Lost

How am I supposed to choose between my best guy friend and the guy I've fallen for? Yes he was his friend, I admit thats a little messed up, but he encouraged it, and didn't seem to show he had a huge issue with us talking. I never meant to upset my friend, but I can't really help how I feel or interact with a specific person. I feel like I'm screwed now.
(a) I choose my best friend over my new interest: he probably won't be too accepting of me at this point and then I lose something thats really making me happy and someone I have really great chemistry with
(b) I choose my new interest over my best friend: I could mess up their friendship and my friendship is definitely lost which will make it awkward if something comes out of this and they live together and I could lose all my guy friends with him. (Hopefully he will chill out---but he can be kinda stubborn)
(c) I choose neither and go lay in the middle of the quad by myself trying to figure out how I managed to screw things up so much
             maybe hoping someone would come
                       but not sure how good that would be, because then I have to make a decision
             and if not, then I lost a couple of my best friends here
                       the ones I was so happy to have and valued so much

"What does it take to make  a journey? A place to start, something to leave behind...we might imagine a journey with no destination, nothing but the act of going, and with never an arrival. But I think we would always hope to find something or someone, however unexpected and unprepared for" (John Haines)

Maybe I need to go on a journey now. Starting walking out of my dorm right now, leaving behind these relations I've developed and been so strengthened by---I have no idea where I will go or where I will end up---but maybe a journey is what I need. Yes I would always hope to find something or someone. But I always mess everything up-- or so it seems.

I don't want to give this up--It will be very painful
I don't want to lose my friend--It will be extremely painful

Faith

I find that I usually slack in my giving up of something during lent and half-ass things. Since I returned from winter break, Ive been slacking off going to church and I want to take this chance to get back closer to the church again. Today is ash wednesday, I am going to go to confession and also to mass to get ashes and starting today I am giving up facebook for lent. The next 40 days might be hard, but I think it will be a really meaningful sacrifice. After spring break I want to be more productive, remember
to go to mass on sundays, go to the gym and eat healthier…I guess these are my lent resolutions. In my sacrifice and in my self denial-- I hope to think to God and remember to pray for people are so reliant on things which are way less important than faith. I want to pray for all the people who go to confession and go to get ashes. I want to pray for those who go to mass every week, just today, or not at all. I pray for those who are ignorant. I pray for those who choose to be agressive. I pray for those who choose to be assertive. I pray for those who chose to poke fun at or attack religious observation, for they do not understand their sins. I pray for those who do not understand, and those who do. But I would really like to  pray for those who do not believe. Faith has given me strength and comfort and power, and I pray for all that lack these. I still cannot believe there are people who do not at least know what ash wednesday is and I also pray that the people who choose to attack Catholics on this day realise the error of their ways.

"Pray For You"

Things were going great '˜til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you cant go hating others who have done wrong to you.
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn.
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them.

We must have the strength to forgive those who have tresspassed us and pray to the Lord to lead us away from temptations. We must free ourself of sin and strive to live a life closer to God. Praying each day for all God's people. Remembering that everyone makes mistakes and that each and every one of us are works in progress. To remember the story of the Lord, where the Sinner is loved more by God than those who act pious. We must remember to lead lives of faith and hope that others do the same.

Dancing in the Rain

February 28, 2011

My favorite thing in the world is my ability to laugh and to make other’s laugh. Experiencing and sharing happiness is what I have found to be the most valuable gift we have been given in this world.

Since the superbowl, I have been reminded how amazing the song "Where is the Love" by the black-eyed peas is and believe that everyone should take the time to listen to the lyrics and really consider this message.

My Ideals of Humanity

1. Laughter

2. Kindness

3. Love

4. Understanding

5. Respect

6. Compassion

7. Generousity

8. Responsibility

9. Friendship

10. Peace

11. Faith

12. Hope

13. Ability to Forgive

14. Ability to Endure

15. Ability to Succeed

Today I saw a quote which I think describes how I embrace life very well:

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain”

I believe It is only right for me to set goals for myself--because Heaven forbid I take life to seriously and waste time looking at the glass half empty and miss out on all the fun of life:

I, Amelia Houghton, want to be Optimistic when everyone else is pessimistic.

I, Amelia Houghton, will always lose sight of and challange the bounds of reality.

I, Amelia Houghton, embrace life for its ups and downs.

I, Amelia Houghton, will live for the little things as well as the big things in life.
I, Amelia Houghton, will laugh at myself
I, Amelia Houghton, will forgive myself and others
I, Amelia Houghton, will leave it all on the table with no regrets.
I, Amelia Houghton, will learn from my mistakes.

I, Amelia Houghton, will learn to dance in the rain.



I encourage anyone and everyone who may read this blog to challange themselves to be more optimistic and to set goals for themself so they do not take life too seriously.

When the lights of our civilization shine so brightly, we lose sight of how beautiful the stars really are

Upon reflection, I have discovered I am a bit more in touch with the natural world than many of my friends or peers. I consider myself a camp girl, no I do not claim to be ignorant to the products of our society and culture, I enjoy my i pod and social networking as much as any teen, however I do have an appreciation and respect for the world outside of mainstream society that I have been surprised to learn that many do not share. I believe in the equality of all things the whole notion of "for out of the ground we were taken as dust, and unto dust we shall return." I am not saying I do not feed off the commercialized products and food from our fellow animals, as humans, we have turned our cheek to the fellow-ship of animals--honoring them in zoos and in natural history museums, however it is how we are acustomed. We are so enveloped in society it is not possible to live free of culture and society-- but perhaps, dear world, we are traveling to far, to close to the stark realities which Darwin made possible in his writings, that we have taken a path too close to that of our relatives Adam and Eve, that perhaps we are making so much progress that we are losing sight of something very important. I agree with Thoreau--our great walker--who said that we shall not be at home just in our land which we own, but we should be"equally at home everywhere" that "no weath can buy the requisite leisure, freedom, and independence" (thoreau) which nature can provide for us. This natural earth, there is something about it, it has sustained us for so long, yet we cannot be quick enough to make it more and more artificial. And what will happen then? Thoreau also suggests that the "absolute freesom and wilderness [is] contrasted with a freesom and culture merely civil" (thoreau). Human culture and civilization is completely different than the natural world. The freedom we believe we are making for ourselves with our computers and technology is perhaps desensitizing us to the natural world which has supported us and been sustained for so long. The more knowledge we gain, the more insatiable we become when perhaps the most pure happiness exists where we are simply observers in the world, enjoying what is natural. I would give up my commericialized world to live at camp and in a "bubble" from the reality of culture in a heartbeat. The most beautiful times I have experienced have been when cut off from technology and from society. As humans are working harder and harder to improve life with advances we are destroying the balance in life and the gifts nature present to us. Thoreau states in his time that "all man's improvements...make it more and more cheap" (thoreau) and humans have only continued to create artifice and strive in a direction to make them the most advanced, most intelligent, most dominant species. We are striving close to Darwin's idea that people shall not reproduce if they will put their offspring at a disadvantage, and that things shall be ennineered for the good of the progress of humans as a species. But the further we get wrapped up in our artificial world, the more difficult it is to go back to the communion which lies burried underneath our dominion. The more we build our species up, the more we lose touch with the beauties of nature and being.Thoreau asked humans a question "When we walk, we naturally go to the fields and woods: what would become of us, if we walked only in a garden or mall" (Walking)? We have let Thoreau down, there are people who find their piece among the commercial centers, pacing under the bright lights and among the music and hustle of the world. If we walk in malls, we are infusing ourself with malls and allowing ourselves to be bound by society. While I love my trips to these places as much as any teen, you must stop and wonder where you are going and remain in touch with where we have been. Is the success for our species putting ourselves into an artificial isolation which we view as one of the elite beings of earth, or is it to be in bliss with the things around us? Luther Standing Bear offers an idea of what has happened to our culture in Nature, he talks about how when the white man came to the americas, he had such a different view than the natives. "The white man has put a distance between himself and nature; and assuming a lofty place in the scheme of the order of things, has lost for him both reverence and understanding" (Bear). In the 1930s, Bear knew of this tendency, and where society was heading. I do not think it is possible for us to abolish our progress, it is of human nature to continue to search and look for more--perhaps a curse remaining still from Adam and Eve who ate from the tree of knowledge, however, we cannot lose sight of the true value of our roots. We cannot let the lights of civilization shine so brightly that we can no longer see the beauty of the stars. I might not be able to succeed in being a complete naturalist, but I am a naturalist nevertheless in that I can see the flaws in society and I choose to try and better myself by keeping a connection still with the natural world. When I have been upset or lonely, I am one to go outside and lay by the creek under a tree and listen to the wind blow. Sometimes I wish that another person would have the sense to come find me and keep me company and then I realise that the strength I find in nature must be my company. When humans fail on me I shall always have the earth. Bear says that his native people "learned to sit or lie on the ground and become conscious of the life about us in its multitude of forms." We must know that life will be traveling in every direction, possibly we may become an advocate and try to stop the path of society, but for starters, we are each responsible to kindle the connection we have with the world above the responsibility to change the path of society. Why do you laugh when I say I went and sat under a tree looking at the sky for an hour? Is it that silly? The form of life you have connection with is not as broad as mine, and maybe one day you shall be able to kindle it, I hope for your sake, but to me, nature has a beauty and an awe which you must be a fool not to realise. I do not say go rid yourself of your posessions and live off the grid, simply, take the time to learn about nature and its beauty and then while tending to the many forms of your life, do not let one step over the other and block out the awe of the sun, stars, moon, and wind.

The Loner Tables

Is eating about meeting your needs or has it become a social exclusivity? Originally, cavemen, I assume, would come back with their prize kills and everyone would gather round and devour the food until it was gone, however, somewhere along the way it got more civil, and possibly more exclusive? Why is it that no one walks into a restaurant and eats alone? Sure maybe a panera or subway you might, but generally, we feel obligated to take our food somewhere where we are out of the lights of others when we are alone. In a childish way, we almost fear the feeling of walking into the densely packed cafeteria at lunchtime by ourselves. You always notice the person who is eating alone and feel bad. It doesn't mean they don't have any friends. I guess it is somewhat more acceptable for breakfast, and also more acceptable when you have something to look at or work on, so you look like you're doing something. I figured that this would be a very lonely dinner today, sitting by myself eating, because as it seems there are many who plan special meals with others, exclusive to themselves. Dare me not encroach upon a friend and her friend upon a meal out of fear that I am ruining their plans. So as it turns out, human reaction is to take away to somewhere where others cannot judge you, first human instinct. The upstairs cafe has become a less formal library and also the home of the lone, the area designated for the person who had the misfortune of having a class at the time most of their friends went to eat or the person who simply has no patience to walk back to their room and find someone who would like to come eat with them. It turns out there are a lot of loners, they all act busy, yes, its something they need to do, but does it really need to take priority to the short meal? Probably not. Its comfort, you are away from the judgemental eye of groups, and free from the judgement of others.

We are motivated by comfort, by emotions, by touch, by happy and sad and angry. We are motivated by the serotonin and acedylcholine in our brains passing through the synapses in our brain. People are always watching us, you walk into your class, everyone is already in their seats, how the hell did they all get there so quickly?? You don't realise that the professor has stepped out of the room, perhaps to fix her hair (or wig) or perhaps to grab a coffee or sip of water, but there is a handout on the front table, which maybe completely necessary for your understanding of the course, the class, or another aspect of you education and being, but no one tells you. As the teacher begins class, you realise you never picked up this essential piece of information. Do you walk up in front of the class or do you sit and hope it is not too important? Do you wait until the end of class and ask the professor for one privately or do you silently agree to yourself that you will photocopy your friend's later? I think these little things are the small accomplishments or compromises which define your very person. I walked up in front of the class and took the packet and sat back down. Turns out, there was no sign on my back, or at least not one that I found, there was no unsightly stain on my jeans, the world did not end, class went on, and I, Amelia Houghton, had my essential packet for psychology. Maybe in the past I would have waited, but why compromise yourself because you are in the face of others. At the end of the day, it is you who will either succeed or fail.

Why has life become a game of avoiding the mocking of others and of finding things to share with others. Why is it necessary to point out the one girl who showed up to the assembly late and cannot find her friends. She is trying at least, and once she sits down, she will be with her friends and accomplished, perhaps she just returned to campus after waiting at the hospital for the results of her father's open heart surgery. Who are we to judge her? People sometimes get caught up in watching the world around them go, when truly they should be sharing in the world as much as anyone else. People watching is a favorite pastime of mine, it intrigues me to watch people and the things that they do. Currently there is a guy, work boots, light wash jeans, red, black and grey ski coat and glasses who is leaning against a wall in the middle of the cafe where people get the food, he is on the phone, he doesn't feel uncomfortable, from what I can tell, so who am I to wonder why he does not walk outside or somewhere more private to take the call? He was waiting for his friend to get food, neither he or his friend will eat alone.

Why must we pass judgement about others? Why must we judge them and their ways, why is it fun to make fun of their faults. Hey its okay if you don't know how to work a humidifier or you think that its going to squirt water everywhere, its okay if you dont know how to pronounce the word vigilence when you are asked to read out loud, its okay if you forgot about someone's birthday. Its okay if you are stubborn and you keep hoping life will turn out like a fairytale, its okay to hope for your prince, its okay to make wishes on eyelashes, its okay to hope for things. Life is about trial and error, you learn, how will you learn if you dont ever try, we learn from mistakes, so mistakes will be made. But we must keep hope, without hope, there is nothing. We must live for the purporse of life itself, that although life might come down on us heavily at times, we must live knowing there are better times. Living for the mystery, living for the good times, living to learn from the bad times, Living, Loving, Hoping, Learning.

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."
— Nicholas Sparks

 

Live life doing the things which you want to define you. When you look at your life story, dont have regrets, cross bridges when you come to them, but don't burn them, look at everyday like you're a hero in a comic book and show compassion even when others show disdain.

Weight Of The World

Why does it seem like I hold the weight of the world on my shoulders? I build people up only to tear them down. I dont do it on purpose, I just get scared, I dont trust that I am ready to be everything people want me to be. I love you. I love the world. I just don't know where I fit into it. Sometimes, most of the time, Id rather be hurt than to hurt others. I would rather not understand other people's actions than not to understand myself. But I don't understand myself. I'm a mystery to myself. Even though sometimes I feel happy or confident or important, there always comes a time where I feel defeted and where I feel like I built up everything only to tear it down because I am unstable in myself. When I was walking, I felt every footstep, I felt the weight of my whole body and all the air above me pushing down on everypart of my foot. I was walking on the ice, the stuff you used to walk on as a kid, the crunchy kind that you try to crush and break up, but i just wasnt breaking it.

I have highs and lows, and usually I rest somewhere in the middle. I am pretty lucky that I dont stick in the lows everyday, but sometimes I wish I could just stay in that bubble sometimes. The bubble where everything feels alright. That bubble where I am cuddling next to you so perfectly and my body just fits perfectly next to yours, cuddled up against you, the happiness that I feel then, when there are no temptations where there is nothing else to worry about, just you and me. When we can fall into nice warm sticky kisses and everything is a fairy tale. Everything about you is good, your skin is so soft, your lips are so perfect against mine, your eyes are beautifully smiling-- and that smell, even if you just ran or shoveled the driveway, you smell good. Sometimes I really wish I could just live out on a boat, nothing but the warm sun, the cool ocean, the fish, you, me, and God. I mean I guess there will always be days where the sun burns or the ocean swells, or the sharks come out to feed on the fish; but at least I would be stuck with me. There are too many choices in life, how can you ever be sure that you are going down the right path? What is the right path? What is wrong with me? Why dont people think of me when they think of their best friend? Why isnt there anyone who would call me in a crashing plane? Why do you have to cause hurt? Maybe I should give up on finding people who make me happy? Maybe I should just help people but never get involved.

I came across the text in black by happenstance the other day and found it on xanga titled "I live for the nights i can't remember with the people Ill never forget"

We tend to fall in love the same way we get sick;
without wanting to, without believing it,
against our will & unable to defend ourselves.
And then we lose love exactly the same way.

Sometimes, deep down, we know that its not time to fall in love or that maybe we're not ready to put our whole heart into it, but it just happens. We don't believe it. And then something happens, and you just stop trusting yourself, and as much as you want to put all you have into it, something is holding you back. Its inexplainable, you want so much to be able to just tell your brain to makeup its mind and settle, but you just cant feel okay, its too much pressure. Its fight or flight and you dont want to fight so you run away, you dont want to risk hurting anything that you know you could really be happy with.

Always tell someone how
you feel. Even if it's hard.
Because opportunities are lost in
 the blink of an eye but regret
can last for a lifetime.

 Once I heard that you should never regret anything because at the time, its exactly what you wanted. And it sucks, because how the hell do you know why you want anything or dont want something? I dont want to lose an opportunity but I dont want to live when Im not 100%.

we're not perfect.
we laugh too hard. we are way to loud.
and we make complete fools of ourselves,
but doing it together is what
makes us best friends.

False, You can neve ever laugh to hard, ever. If we could just laugh forever, everything would be alright. Life is about making a complete fool of yourself.

drink to all that we have lost
mistakes that we have made
everything will change
love remains the same

 You cant take life to serious, because its not going to last forever, its fragile and it is not timless. You need to take every step knowing that its going somewhere (but it worries me that I dont know where) and you need to take every drink knowing that there are people places who cannot take that drink. Love will never leave, no matter who you love and what happens, the love will always stick with you. Always. It may be placed aside for a while, but it will always come back if you let it.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.
And maybe we'll never know most of them.
But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,
we can still choose where we go from there.
We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

 It is definitely true that we will never know why we are who we are or why we feel the way we feel, and i may be pessimistic, but even if you can choose where we go, how can we chose how we feel about them. How can we make ourselves feel so okay when the world is so confusing and full of changes and issues.

And when you kissed me that night, I couldn't help but think...
this is exactly what I have waited for my whole life.

Have you ever really cried for someonemore than you wanted to?
Have you ever tried to love him in spite of all the pain?

 You cannot cry for someone too much, everyone is worth every tear you could ever shed, we are all God's children. Everyday, I would rather love through pain than to not love at all.

i'm feeling it coming over me
with you it all comes naturally
i've lost the reflex to resist
and i could get used to this

Love like this it exists, how would I ever know if it lasts? But I know I have been able to find the person who matches like a puzzle piece to mine, I have meet the person who I can feel comfortable in front of, who I dont have to hide anything from.

 it doesn't matter where you go in life
it's who you have beside you.

every time i try to talk to you
i get tongue-tied
turns out everything i say
to you comes out wrong and
never comes out right

When will someone understand when I say things wrong? When will the things I say be right? When will I know what is right and feel what is right?

you're waiting for someone to put you together
you're waiting for someone to push you away
there's always another wound to discover
there's always something more you wish he'd say

 Im living life like seaweed, I want people to like me, I want to make people better, I want to be with someone but I dont know what to do when I get that far. Im always waiting to be pulled in and pushed away and when im not pushed away I dont knowwhat to do.

if you love something, set it free.
if it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with

 Its true, But you cant always set people free without there being hard feelings and that hurts on my part, to try and set things free so things can be better in the future but it hurts to feel alone and to not be able to be that person you want to be so badly, right at that moment.

Goodbyes make you think.
Theymake you realize what you have,
what you've lost,
& what you've taken for granted

 True

·         You're tripping on what's in front of you
because you keep looking behind you.

 Every Step taken forward, can easily be set back. How do you stop looking behind you and around you and only focus on what is in front of you

she  misses the lips that
made her fly.

She misses letting the lips make her fly

i mean maybe i would love to go back to those days,
but then again i wouldn’t. because if it meant having
to lose you all over again, i’m not sure i could handle
that. not again. 

I dont want to risk hurting you again because you mean so much

I dont even know how to address this, I guess it explains so many feelings a person could feel. I try so hard to have an impact, to feel, to be there, to make everything okay for other people, so why do I have such a hard time letting other people be there for me and make everything okay? Im sorry this is a wishy-washy post, but its a wishy-washy time in my life. I dont know who I am, where I am going or what I feel. Im not in control, I wish I could be. I wish I could be in that bubble again, where everything would be A-Okay.

You always make me smile, the things you do matter more than you will ever understand, and no matter what, you mean more to me than you will ever know. Remember that.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

So I have been meaning to reflect upon 2010 and embrace the new year; making some insightful resolutions and conclusions, however this task is quite daunting. So I did some research and found a list of questions to promt reflection upon my year.

"In order to embrace the new we must release the old. A trapeze artist cannot swing from one bar to another without letting go. An important part of preparing for a New Year is to review the past year--to release it--and to learn from it." http://www.positivepath.net/ideasMA17.asp

1. What did I learn? (Skills, knowledge, awareness', etc.)
I believe that I learned a lot from my transition from high school to college. I have learned that in high school  and k-12 a lot of the methods seem very silly now: hall passes, gym class, cell phone rules, no gum, etc; however they were neccessary to keep all of us kids tame enough to teach us important skills, such as learning how to memorize, learning how to study, learning to be responsible and prioritize, learning to make the time to do homework and study--organizing time; which would not have been possible without all these, now silly-seeming rules. I also learned about friends, I think that it was surprising how many people fell out of my life once I got to college and also suprising which ones I chose to keep in it. The friends that I associated socially as my friends, I really dont talk to anymore, but the ones who I saw less often in school but who I confided in and saw outside of school became closer and more valuable to me. I have found very solidly that: Caitlin Marino, Hannah Sullivan, Kristin Carlson, Maddie Collins, Becca Varney.... have become the people back home who I will pick up and call right away when I have something to talk about. However I have also seen people who I have been close with in the past try to reach to me: Bonne, Alyssa, who I maybe need to reach back to a little more. These people have tried to be there for me and I need to be there for them as well.

2. What did I accomplish? (List of my wins and achievements.)
1. Placed in the all around at nationals for gymnastics
2. Graduated from Longmeadow High School
3. Got into every college I applied to including my reach school (Boston University, Springfield College, Sacred Heart University, Quinnipiac University)
4. Completed my first semester in college with all As and Bs

3. What would I have done differently? Why?
If I could go back and time and change some things I would...
1. have analyzed my feelings about relationships more carefully and been less reckless about commitments
2. Have taken my commitments in gymnastics more seriously, tried harder, earlier
3. Put more importance in visiting my grandmother before college

4. What did I complete or release? What still feels incomplete to me?
I ended many chapters of my life.
I completed high school, so the friendships and people relating to it have become a much less significant part of my life.   
I ended a 2.5 year relationship, which means an end to a whole network of relationships and activities.
I completed my final gymnastics meet and dance recital.
I released my grandmother to heaven.
I completed my final year in girl scouting.
I completed my last year living at home, meaning that my place in the family needs to change.

I am not to sure what feels incomplete, if I had to come up with some things, they would be the following:
1. Finding an exercise/diet plan which I can commit to
2. Figuring out my expectations of my future/determining a path for the future which motivates me
3. Organizing my room at home and condensing the amount of things I have there.
4. Reaching back to some friends from high school who I may be on the borderline of losing

5. What were the most significant events of the year past? List the top three.
   1. Graduation
   2. Beginning College
   3. Relationship Status Change

6. What did I do right? What do I feel especially good about? What was your greatest contribution?
I believe that I made a solid decision about myself needing time to change and experiment in my life. I feel especially good about becoming an advocate for myself and my feelings in my past relationship and in my friendships. I am becoming very open about being the person that I want to be and letting others choose how they feel about it. I think that I have been trying to show people who I am and also show people how much they mean to me. I think my greatest contribution was kindling a great relationship to my grandmother before her passing because I believe that would have been a life-long regret for myself if I was not able to get close to her and gain this relationship. Another contribution was getting close to the church at school, and although I believe I need to improve the relationship I have with Christianity outside of the church, however I feel very good about my self-motivation towards going to mass in school.

7. What were the fun things I did? What were the things that were not fun?
-FUN: Going to Disney, Jamaica, Spain, and Switzerland
-FUN: My first semester at Quinnipiac University
-NOT SO FUN: stupid fights with family and friends
-NOT SO FUN: post-break up depression

8. What were my biggest challenges, roadblocks or difficulties?
I think that I was so set on getting to college and getting to be independent that I was not appreciating some of the things around me, so when it came time to leave these things behind, I was very scared and it put a lot of pressure on me to figure out my plans for the future and also to find my place in college right away. Another challange was that while everything in my life was changing, including my breakup, I realised I wasnt surrounded by all of the support I had at home and this made the transition very difficult for me but also made me realise how important it was to appreciate the new things around me.

9. How am I different this year than last?
I am a college student, more independent, not living at home
I am more in-tune with myself, I am trying to analyze myself and i have become a greater advocate for how I feel.

10. For what am I particularly grateful
My loving family, who have supported me all through my life and contiunue to support me today
My mom--who loves me unconditionally, and shows me support: thanks for staying up with me until 2am when I felt confused and lonely, thankyou for driving to college to get me when I really needed you, thankyou for all your support and for always giving me the things I asked for. Thankyou for bringing me up, teaching me how to be independent, organised, motivated, and responsible. Thankyou for keeping me out of trouble and teaching me right from wrong. Thankyou for being my best friend
My dad- thankyou for always supporting me, even when it was something you didnt really understand. Thankyou for having patience with me when I am being moody or unreasonable. Thankyou for always taking care of me and being a loving father
My sister- thankyou for always loving me and looking up to me. thankyou for always helping me with the things i need and being there for me when I needed u there for me
My supportive friends--especially those of you who have been there for me when I especially needed it or when I really needed someone to reach out to me.
My cats-- I know this seems silly, but really, they always make me smile and are there for me when I need comforting, they really are some of my best friends too
Health, Safety, Laughter, Company, Knowledge, Good Times, Memories, Smiles
The opportunity to get closer to my grandmother
The opportunity to live life the way I have been acustomed: to be able to get a great education and feel safe
God--Thankyou for everything tangible and untangible; I love you

Chain Reaction

It's amazing how one thing can put a dark stormy cloud over your head and mind. Whether that one little thing be the thought of loved one lost or a person mentioning something which hits you a little bit funny. I mean maybe amazing isn't quite the word, as it has many positive connotations, nevertheless, the power that one single thing might hold over your emotions is great.

I lost my grandmother today. We called her "Oma" which means "Grandmother" in German. She was German, technically where she was born is now part of the Chezk Republic. I  never used to be close to my Grandmother. I always thought of it as a chore, its not that I did not love her, its that I hated the environment of the nursing home and she always seemed to be in a bad mood. She always questioned why I didn't come in to visit more often and made accusations that I didn't love her or want to visit. And I guess she was right, I didn't. I mean i truly was very busy like I told her, but I could've made time. I wish I realised how special and important it was to spend time with her sooner, but I guess that cannot be changed.

I suppose I should explain a little background on my grandmother, she had rumatar arthritis. Her doctor was very old fashioned and whenever she got sick, he would give her a shot of penicillin, so she built up a high tolerance to antibiotics, and they soon became ineffective on her. As her arthritis was getting worse, she signed waivers to become part of an experimental group for a drug for arthritis, which has not yet been tested and therefore was not approved of by the FDA. The drug ended up giving her an infection in the ankle and it spread too quickly for them to treat and it went to the spine and she was paralyzed from the waist down. She and her husband had hoped for a rehabilitation, as he just went into retirement, however the arthritis and other issues made it somewhat impossible. She was predeceased by her loving husband in 2005. He was an army vet who met her on tour in Germany. He had visited her everyday while she was in the nursing home.

I believe that the greatest opportunity I had to discover my priorities was when my parents brought her to visit my college for a foliage trip before her surgery. For Oma, my family says this was the tipping stone, where she started to turn for the worse and never returned. For Oma and I, this occasion turned to a new chapter in or lives, a chapter where, out of some miracle, I discovered the value and preciousness of my relationship with my grandmother. I am not sure what brought about this sudden change, however, since I got to college, I felt a new found value in that relationship and other things too, like church. Things which I had been required to do before, but now that they were in my own control, I gave them more value. When she came up that day, despite the presence of my family and at the time, boyfriend, I was focused on her. That is one of my proudest moments, when I realised how good it felt to really love her and care for her and want to show her things and bond with her. It was not a chore, showing her around, I loved it. I talked to her all day and through dinner. I helped her figure out what she wanted to order and did all the things which I had once considered a bother.

Oma had a couple scares that first semester of college and they crushed me like a ton of bricks. I got so worried for her. I really wanted her to know how much I cared for her. When I came home for thanksgiving, my parents told me to go visit her and they told me she kept talking about these pancakes she saw on TV and that I needed to go see her to find out what they were so I could bring them to her the next day. I did not want to go. But I did, and surprisingly, she was doing better than anyone had told me she was. She talked to me and ate food and seemed so happy to see me. The next day, I brought her the pancakes, but she was too sick to eat them, she was too sick to eat anything. They told me later she has a virus, but I didn't care, I was not going to stop kissing her or holding her hand for anything. I visited her many times, and it didn't feel like a chore. I wanted to be there . When thanksgiving day came around I felt horrible she needed to spend the whole say at the nursing home. We brought her thanksgiving dinner plate to her at the nursing home.

I do not think I really thought it was her time yet. The family made it seem like she had been recovering from her recent hospitalization and I did not realise how bad it was until I got home. My mom told me "Oma is not doing well, she is not eating. Dad is going to see her everyday. She was eating for him last week, but not this week. You should really go see her soon. I was praying nothing would happen to her during your finals. You should go see her when you get home." I got so incredibly worried. I went to go visit her and she was doing well. Sure, she was thinner, and you could tell she had been sick. But she was talking to me and she was eating and being so positive. If I had lost her after this, I would have been a wreck, because she still seemed so strong, and did not seem ready to go. I told her I was coming back on Sunday night or Monday morning and she seemed to be in good spirit.

When I saw her Monday morning, I think we both knew it was the end. What killed me was seeing her pain. She asked me to get her ginger ale when I arrived and when I gave it to her, she could not sip it, she was trying so hard to get the liquid up the straw, but she simply couldn't muster the strength. The same thing happened with the tea. It broke me to pieces that I was unable to giver her the thing she wanted, drink.  She could barely talk and her hand was swelling up again. I held her hand, and we both squeezed our hands back and forth. I could tell she didn't want me to let go. She could barely communicate with us, but she had her ways. She communicated to me that her hand was hurting her. I talked to her about the good times, I don't know what prompted it, but I did, we talked about how I used to run around her house with my dad's old GI-JOE and how I used to go around the house with the toy broom and dustpan, sweeping, and how we would bring the scraps out to feed the neighbor's dog, Kirby. I was smiling thinking about the good times, and I could tell it made her happy too, I think she needed to hear these things. Before I left, I gave her a kiss on the face, and I lingered there to tell her how much I loved her and how much I cared and how I was praying and that God is with her. She told me, before I left, while my face was there, hovering above hers "I love you." I do not think I ever had something strike me like that. I knew she truly meant it. There was so much power in these words, and even though she could barely talk, she had the strength to tell me this. Those were powerful words. I told her I would be back that night or the next morning, but between us, I think we just knew, that the time would not come.

When I was back at home, while my dad was with her, the Raggedy Ann and Andy that she had made for me fell down in my closet, I think this was a sign. And I found the old book, "The Big Jump" which was my dad's that came from her house.

When we got the phone call, my mom came in and asked me if I wanted to go to the nursing home with my dad or if I wanted her to go. I told her I would go, in a daze. She passed away 20 minutes after my dad left her. He told her how much he loved her and thanked her for everything she had done for him. She needed to say goodbye, and then once she was alone, she could let go. She needed that, to be free of the shell which was her body, which was hurting her and limiting her. She needed to enter into the next part of her life, where she could be safe and peaceful, with her loving husband and God.

When we went to the nursing home, we just sat there together and cried, it was a truly amazing moment for my father and I. We were just together and bonded. The staff came in to say goodbye to her and say there condolences and it was so amazing to see these people, and to see how much she meant to them. They had been family to her, and they were showing they were family to us. It was so touching and comforting to see this. When my dad went out to talk to the funeral home I went too, but I knew it was my time to be with her and say all of the things I needed to say to her. I was drawn back to that room and I told her all of the things I needed to say. When my dad came back, I knew I needed to give him the same opportunity and I did. He walked home from the nursing home, he needed that time for reflection. As my mom said, its hard to imagine the person who has to love you no matter what you do, who has to forgive you and care no matter what (your mother) suddenly be missing from your life. And now I know I need to show him that I will always be here for him to love him and support him. My dad and I got a lot closer that night, we gained a new understanding and bond between us.

This is the hardest loss I have ever suffered because of the bond I truly gained with her. But it was bittersweet, because as much as I enjoyed creating this bond with her, that desire was somewhat selfish. The death is more of a happy moment, because we know her pain will come to an end, and while we sat on earth, mourning her loss, she was with all of us and with her loving husband again. While it was sad to know it was the end of her time on earth, I felt the new sensation of having her around me, having her presence with me all of the time. She did not need to be alone in the nursing home anymore, she can now be with all of us, all of the time. Peaceful and happy.

So I decided to include the reading which I selected for her funeral mass:

"A Reading From the Book of Ecclesiastes

Does it really matter what anyone does? I've had a good look at what Gold has given us to do... and there is a season for everything, a right time for every purpose on earth:
A time for giving birth, and a time for dying,
A time for mourning, and a time for dancing,
A time to hold on, and a time to let go,
A time for keeping silent, and a time for speaking up.

We keep busy, we live our lives.
But who can comprehend the mind of God?
Who can ever know what God is up to?
I've decided that there's nothing better to do than get on with life, live the best we can, eat, drink, and make the most of our work~ here on earth

This is a gift from God. The Word of the Lord"

It was important for me to remember that, while I enjoyed and loved her here on earth, that she had gone to a better place. Itwas ironic, how my dad and I were at her bedside, unsure of how to pick up the pieces and she was up in heaven, safe with God and her loving husband. I felt almost a glow, I felt her spirit, it was comforting. It snowed that night, it was the perfect snow, the kind which keeps falling in big flakes, but it doesnt accumulate into anything. She was there, she was giving us this beautiful snow. I know Oma moved on to a better place, it was her time to let go in this part of her life. Her body could no longer do anything for her beautiful spirit and so it left its shell behind and went to join God in heaven.

In closing, the priest spoke to us and he told us about how every thing on earth will go through many transititions. How doors must close, and people must let go in order for it to immerse itself in the beauties of the next portion. God shows that good things come from death:
-as a seed dies to become a fruitful plant; the seed must cease to exist, but it becomes a beautiful plant
-as a catarpillar becomes a butterfly, it must first cease to be a caterpillar but only to become something very beautiful and special
If God does these things for each thing he has created, than there must be something more beautiful and special than any worldly thing we have imagined waiting for us humans, as he created us in his own likeness. '

Merry Christmas Oma. Merry Christmas all

Who I wanted to Be in College?

“The unity of a human life is the unity of a narrative quest. Quests sometimes fail, are frustrated, abandoned or dissipated into distractions; and human lives may in all these ways also fail…it is in the course of the quest…that the goal of the quest is finally to be understood” ("The Virtues: The Unity of a Human Life and the Concept of Tradition")

The success of a person's life can only be measured in the knowledge they have and the lessons that they have learned. So basically, we can take from this, that its not just what you do in your life that is important but how you choose to live your life which is defining of you character.

I realised that high school was a joke in terms of gym class, hall passes, and detentions but, what was important was what you took from it. Learning how to pay attention in class, learning to study, learning to respect your teachers and peers...those things were important. It was not the actual content which mattered, it was what you took out of the experience.

In high school, my life was very controlled, and I hated it, but I learned to become dedicated, responsible, organised and disciplined. Even though it sucked to have curfews and to have a lot of things to do, I think that shaped who I am now.

So what do you do when you are out of the hold of these limitations? I guess you look at what you did which was successful and what you wanted to change and then take that knowledge and go forward. You need to reflect on things and then keep pressing forward.

College: Finally! The place where you can completely be who you want to be, where no one knows you, and where you can go out and be who ever you want to be.

I decided these were some of the things I wanted to do in college in terms of other people:

1. Put myself out there-- If  I don't hold back, people can either accept me or not, but at least I am not being fake
2. Be myself, and hope people liked what they saw
3. Find a good group of friends, people who understood me and would be there for me, people I could trust and count on

So I guess what I am looking for is that place of my own...Have I found it yet, I am not sure.... I guess it takes time

I mean what I really want is to be part of something. When people ask who they would call if they were about to die in a plane crash, I want someone to think of me. When people need someone to talk to, I hope people think to call me. When people ask who their friends are, I want to be one of those people.

So I'm not too sure how to tackle these things, but I guess all you can do is go out and live and hope people will see the light in you.

Microwave Generation

Alright, so I had one person comment on my last post and so I wanted to talk a little bit about what they said. Basically someone said that if in the end, you cannot commit, what is the point of anyone even trying to get close to you or appreciate you, its just a waste.

So, my friend, this is what I have to say:

1. People are very selfish, they always want to know "whats in it for me?"
2. People want to get credit for everything they did and they will take credit for whatever they can
3. People want things to be "mine" they are always worried about possession

...and I will admit, that I guess we are all on a quest to find what is ours, to discover what things belong to us or what things will stick to us. I am guilty of this just as much as everyone, I want to find a group of friends who are mine, and a place which is mine, somewhere where I am understood or appreciated. But how will you or anyone ever find this if you go around judging whether making the effort will be a waste or not? I mean if you look at a situation and say, I might not get anything out of this so its not worth it, then you're never going to get anything out of anything.

We are the freaking microwave generation. We want everything to happen so quickly and we want to know what the end result will be as soon as we can. No one wants to count on trial and error and no one wants to do anything if they are not going to see any benefits.

People can't just appreciate what is right in front of them. People are silly. Like this is the most common example I can think of:

Two people meet and they hit it off, they are really interested in each other but one person knows that they are not ready to decide who they want to be with for the rest of their life. If that partner tells the other person, the other person says, well what is the point of going out with you and learning about each other if, in the end, nothing is likely to come out of it. THIS IS THE PROBLEM! people, you need to appreciate everything around you. You are not going to be able to sit back and say: these are the friends I will have for the rest of my life, this is the person I want to marry, this is going to be my job....its just impossible. When you go through life you need to learn things just to become a more aware and well rounded person. I am a physical therapy major, why the hell do I need to take a humanity course about writing about nature???? Someone tell me, what benefit am I getting?? You just need to put yourself out there and cherish the things around you because its guaranteed they are not going to be there forever.

That how life is, things are not always going to benefit you in very clear ways, but you need to just contribute what you have. You need to give your all to everyone even if you cannot expect anything back in return.

One of my favorite images is that presented in "The Meaning of Life."
Stop, put your hand over your heart right now.
Do you feel it beating?
This is your life clock. Its 100% guaranteed that it is going to stop one day, so don't live your life holding back, because when it ends, you don't want to have any regrets

Don't you dare say that it is a waste to try and touch people who may or may not ever appreciate it. This is what I do, I am a floater. When I see that I can fill a void somewhere I do, even though, 98% of the time, I fall completely out of the picture when I am no longer needed. And at least I am trying, at least I am doing something. I hate that you cant realise how much I am doing for you, but at least I am doing it. At least I am trying to make a difference in your life. It is not a waste, if it is, then my existence is a waste. Do not try to tell me that life is supposed to be about pre-determining everything because you can never insure that you will get anything back when you give.  When my life ends, I will be sorry for the people who held back and didn't reach out for others. I will pray for the people who couldn't open their eyes enough to see how much I cared about them. And  I will be proud, that I lived life giving it all I had, just trying to appreciate things, even if they were temporary.

Something to think about:

Hobbes believed that humans were characterized by a “universal drive toward self-preservation and self-advancement"

He said that "societies are made up of those unique individuals striving to aggrandize themselves, striving to seek their own advantage in every way possible”